Letters to Snape
by Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen
Summary: This is a story where the readers send in Letters to be answered by Professor Snape..there will be snarkiness! Finally Finished!
1. The First Batch

A/N This story is in dedication to Caren H who wrote the fabulous story in which mine is based off of. This isn't a sequel to Draco's Fanmail but a side project done with Caren's permission. Also I'm taking suggestions from people of what they would like to read and constructive criticism is highly appreciated. Also be sure to send in letters you'd want answered by Mr. Severus Snape. So without further adieu I give you Letters with Snape.

Warning I do not own Severus Snape or any of the Harry Potter characters. Also this is not compliant with HBP.

Couples: HGDM, HPGW, RWBZLB, and there maybe some random couples.

Chapter 1 Snape's Introduction

Hello everyone I am Professor Severus Snape the Potion Master of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I've decided to accept fan mail for two reasons. The first reason being that meddlesome old fool Dumbledore thinks it would be good for me to let out some of my anger in letters and the second reason being I was simply curious what someone would write to me about. I don't possibly see how this is going to make anyone happy least of all me. But I will do what I must. Now to answer the first letter.

* * *

Letter #1:

Dear Professor Snape,

I hate you more than words could say. Every time you hang your head over my cauldron to check my potion I'm afraid you'll ruin it by letting the grease of your hair run into it. You are loathsome and definitely snarky. I don't see how Malfoy can put up with you. Please die or leave Hogwarts. Trust me everyone would be better off!

Sincerely,

All of Gryffindor House

* * *

Dear Gryffindorks, 

If you think that poorly of me then what shall I think of you? You are all obnoxious brats. I'd take you all out of my classes if I could. I would especially like to get rid of Potter and his sneaky ways. I hope the whole lot of you get lost in the forbidden forest.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

Dear Snape,

I thought I'd write and tell you how much this amuses me. I can't believe you are answering fan mail! Hah and to think you copied me. Really I'm shocked that you are getting fan mail. Well I wouldn't be shocked if someone like Madame Sinistra sent you fan mail. She has always wanted a piece of you. Eww I think I'm now thoroughly disgusted. Hermione said that's what I get for saying, or writing such things. By the way she says you need to loose the overgrown bat look. Good day Professor!

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

* * *

A/N That's all for this chapter. I thought I'd make longer chapters once I get the responses I will need to keep going with it. Thanks for reading! 

Sincerely,

Flair Verona


	2. Batch 2

A/N You don't know how wonderful it is to get letters! I love it and keep it up. For as long as Snape gets letters Snape will Answer!

A Second Chapter of letters

Dear Professor Snape,

Although I consider fan-mail to be rather...ah...beneath me, I find myself typing one up for you anyways. How horrible. The reason for this is that my friend, Val, is hovering over my shoulder, making obsessive remarks about how she someday wishes to marry you. If she had any talent in writing, I'd be making her write out herself. But she has none, oh dear.

There, while she goes to the bathroom, I will ask you this--why must you treat Harry Potter the way that you do? I hate him as much as the next person (I was never a fan of the "tragic little hero" story) but besides the anger you held for his father and the other infamous 'Marauders', he's done nothing wrong but act a bit cheeky at times. As frustrating as that is, you seem to REALLY hate him. Any reason why?

Sincerely,

Jinx, the Slytherin Supporter.

* * *

Dear Jinx, the Slytherin Supporter,

First and foremost I thank you of your support of my most superior house. I also have to thank you for making your letter readable. Unfortunately your friend Val sounds like some bloody Hufflepuff and I assure you I would never lower myself to marriage to a Hufflepuff. You should definitely quit doing your friend's bidding and tell her to go suck on some arsenic.

As for Potter. Well he is insufferable and cheeky. He annoys me like no other. He seems to remind me too much of his father. And not to mention I have a feeling he has a thing for Miss Granger. And seeing how Miss Granger is dating my godson Draco I definitely can hold that against Potter. I do really hate Potter, he is turning out to be just as arrogant as his father. He is always whining on and on about the dark lord and how he is trying to kill him. Honestly after putting up with him all this time you would hate him too!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I have this problem. You see I happen to be gay. Apparently, at least so I've hear, I'm quite the man whore of Slytherin. I just realized that I'm attracted to Ron Weasley. I'm very upset by my attraction to a blood traitor such as he but I need some red-headed lovin! Thanks for listening Professor. See you in Potions.

Sincerely,

B.Z.

* * *

Dear Zabini,

Yes, I know it's you. Of course you're a man whore. Draco told me of your odd attraction to Weasley. I'm quite revolted by this bit of information and if I had my way I'd crucio you until you couldn't stand the sight of red heads in general. I'm thoroughly disturbed and may need a dreamless sleep potion now. But at least it was a disturbing as walking in on Draco and Granger. I leave with wishes of you choking on some belladonna. Thanks for writing.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

A/N I want to say I appreciate all the reviews I've received for this story. But I'd like more interaction. If you want to read more of this story I'd love it if you all sent in your own letters to Snape! It would be greatly appreciated and it would make the story that much more interesting. Thank you for reading and I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday.

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	3. Batch 3

A/N I love the response I've been getting for this story! I wish there was more interaction with the readers but I guess I don't mind making up the letters myself. Anyway, I've only had to flames and if you have to flame me at least have the gall to make it a signed review!

The 3rd Batch of Letters to Snape

Dear Professor Snape,

I've told my Hufflepuff friend, Val (yes, she is indeed a Hufflepuff) to go suck on some arsenic, and she did it. o.0 Now she's in a coma. Oh well--I guess that means I'll have some time away from her nagging. Thank you for your explanation on why you hate Harry so much--it did explain a lot. Until next time!

Jinx, supporter of the Slytherin House.

* * *

Dear Jinx, Supporter of the Slytherin House,

I'm glad to hear you've rid yourself of the horrid company that was that Hufflepuff Val. I should have known she was a Hufflepuff all along. Now with that inkling of curiosity that I get sometimes, what house are you in?

As for the explanation I gave you I don't really care if it pleased you. But all the same your welcome. I do tend to try and explain things when asked, unless the person asking is a Gryffindor.

Now I'm sure I'll be hearing from you again. So until then good bye!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

As I'm sure you now know, you are a FOUL greasy git, and you deserved ever inch of torture that the Marauders put you through in your youth. I swear-simple because I am a Hufflepuff, that means you can look down that overly-large hooked nose at me every time I have a class with you? Honestly... If you really seem to despise the students so much (with the exception of your teacher's pet, Draco Malfoy) then why even work at Hogwarts at all? Who don't you just find another job far, FAR away from the school?

Most horrible wishes,

Hannah Abbott.

* * *

Dear Miss Abbott,

Despite what you think you ridiculous girl, I enjoy teaching. If it weren't for me pathetic students such as Weasley or Potter would never learn anything. Teaching is quite the accomplishment, well when I have spectacular students such as my god son Draco. Granger is also a good student even if she is a Gryffindor. So I obviously am not completely biased as you assume. So I have it in my right to look down upon you, you pathetic Hufflepuff priss!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

A friend of mine decided to be evil and cunning. When I awoke this morning there was note telling me there was a poison in my body and I had to drink from the correct bottle to live. Thankfully I drank from the correct bottle. But the point is, were you the one who set it up Severus? I'll be watching you!

Poisonous Wishes,

Professor Minerva McGonagall

* * *

Dear Minerva,

I assure you I would never do such a thing. Why, did Dumbledore tell you? Anyway there is no need in watching me, I have an invisibility cloak. I tell you I'm determined for Slytherin to win the Quidditch cup, tell Potter to watch out.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *


	4. Batch 4

A/N The response is getting better for this story and that makes me happy! In at least every chapter I send in my own fan letter lol. Anyway I hope everyone likes this chapter, especially since I'm getting it out here so quick. Please leave a letter for Snape in a review and I'm sure he would love to answer it!

Warning I do not own Severus Snape, if I did I'd have him read me poetry all day!

The Fourth Batch

Dear Professor Snape,

I sympathize with you. I really do. I know people can be very mean, especially when they are young. I also realize that it is very difficult, near impossible, really, to lose the image that people have of you. Which is why I want to say that I think you are very brave to go back to your school, where the problems all started, and teach there for a living. I know people think you are mean, But I think Jaded is a better word. oh, and I personally like the bat look, and was wondering, Out of curiosity, do you really have black eyes, or just really dark brown?

-Dell

* * *

Dear Dell,

I appreciate your sympathy. But it just seems as if you are sucking up to me. Are you sure you aren't a Hufflepuff? Anyhow I am a bit jaded but thanks to the school therapist, who happens to be Dumbledore himself, I've been able to come to terms with my past. I know you might ask how I've come to terms with my past. Well that's easy really, I take out all my anger and frustration on moronic students such as Potter. By the way my eyes are black but I prefer the term onyx.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Val is still in a comatose state. I suppose I should be thankful for this--it gives me some free time away from her constant nagging about how I should wear my hair. Honestly... My family is very much Slytherin oriented, and so until I was eleven I was raised thinking that Slytherin was the best house there was at Hogwarts--but unfortunately, upon my arrival and sorting, I was put into Ravenclaw. I suppose it is not so bad here--the hat did say that it was a close call between Ravenclaw and Slytherin. Ah well--I still support the Slytherin quidditch team, at least. Saw Ronald Weasley in hallway the other day--he accidentally tripped me, so I 'accidentally' hexed him. He's in the hospital wing too, lying unconscious in the empty cot near Val's. Potter hexed me for that too--my hair turned pink. I don't mind, I kind of like it that way, but I don't like having to serve detention for the rest of the month. Oi... What's your stance on the next quidditch match, Slytherin against Ravenclaw? Slytherin's got some great beaters, but it seems like nothing can get past our keepers. Until next time!

Jinx, the Slytherin supporter.

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Oh how I love receiving letters from you. Despite the fact that you are a Ravenclaw student, you are quite a Slytherin at heart. As for your friend Val, I can't say I'm at all affected by her comatose state, honestly the dumb bint had it coming. I also can't say I blame you for hexing Weasley. Weasley is almost as bad as Crabbe or Goyle, and the only reason I put up with them is because they are in my house.

Now for Quidditch, I of course strongly support Slytherin. I think our chances are quite good. The Ravenclaw keeper won't last long. Just ask Professor McGonagall. Until next time, which I'm sure will be quite soon.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

I had the most interesting chat with Minerva yesterday and she tells me you tried to poison her, again. Now I know we can't prove it but honestly there is only one potion's master in this school. I thought we were doing well with working out your anger! I figured this fan mail thing would be quite good for you. But apparently it just isn't enough. So I'm forced to know make you have 3 sessions a week. Now if you are on your best behavior then we can take it back down to 1 session a week. Until our next meeting.

Best Wishes,

Headmaster Albus Dumbledore

* * *

Dear Albus,

I just finally got down to one session a week and then you go and raise it again. Maybe I should get another psychiatrist, preferably one who doesn't work here at Hogwarts. Also if I were you I'd be suspicious of those lemon drops you received yesterday.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

A/N There is another batch done. I hope you all like it and please if you like this story and wish to keep it alive, send in your own letters. The letters can be from a character or from you. But it would be most appreciated if you all responded! Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	5. Batch 5

A/N The responses are picking up a bit and I hope that it keeps getting stronger. Because the more response I get the better the story gets, even if it isn't a real story but a rant of sorts. But enjoy the 5th installment.

Warning I still don't own Severus Snape, but I do own Alan Rickman and I plan on making him dress up as Snape and read me poetry.

The 5th Batch of Letters

Dear Professor Snape,

I am sincerely INSULTED that you would think I am sucking up to you. I do not suck up. why would I have to as I am not a student, nor likely to meet up with you anytime soon. So, I was not sucking up, I was paying you a compliment. I realize that when someone has a certain view on humanity ( i.e. A bad one) they take every compliment you get as having an alternative motive. I though you would like to know, then, that I was not sucking up ( I apologize for my repetition) .

Sincerely,

Dell

P.S Picking on students could cause them to become jaded as well. You, I am sure, would not want to do that to someone who is a really, thoroughly nice person. Have you tried writing? you seem like a writer, or some type of artist to me.. But then again, you are a potions master, and that is as much art as science.

* * *

Dear Dell,

I may not have a run in with you but obviously you seem to know me anyway and you wish for me to be nicer. Well what would I be known for if I wasn't a snarky and jaded potions master? I know I have a great effect on the students I teach. I force them to hate me and they do better to simply spite me and end up more successful than they would have been without me.

Now as for the art thing, I tried it. I can't paint to save my life but I do a fantastic crucio curse, care to try it out?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Sevvie,

Boxers of Briefs?

Lynn

* * *

Dear Cheeky Girl,

Honestly, why would you want to know a thing like this? Are you perverted or glutton for punishment? But if you really must know, I prefer neither. I like to give the Snape family jewels room to move around under my billowing black robe.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

p.s. A hex will be sent with this letter for you daring to call me Sevvie.

* * *

Dear Ron,

Because you are in the hospital wing, I decided to write you a "Get Well Soon" card. Sometimes, I remember the first time you smiled at me. Ah, what a flirt you were. And then you had to make it seem like you fancy that cursed know-it-all, Hermione Granger. But at times, you seem to hate her! Well, mister, I will take no more of it. Either you love me, and ONLY me, or you don't! There's no in between, Won-Won! Don't you understand? Get well soon!

XOXOXO,

Lavender Brown

P.S. And don't think I haven't noticed those looks you've been sending a certain Slytherin lecher! No. In. Between!

* * *

Dear Miss Brown,

You are what muggles call an airhead. Obviously I'm not your dear little 'Won Won'. In fact I'm highly disturbed that you would mistake me for him. You are truly both a bimbo and a moron. Honestly woman send your 'Get Well' cards to someone else, like maybe the person they are meant to go to! Like he would want them anyway, especially considering his flirtations with Mr. Zabini. Yes, I know you've noticed that and I'm sure he'd pick an upstanding Slytherin over a Gryffindork like yourself.

Wishes for you to get a brain,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

My dearest Severus,

How I long to be wrapped in your bony arms. To hold your pale clammy body against my own. To stroke your sweep of dark greasy hair. To be with you. Always. Breathing in your seductive scent, while you caress my lips with yours. You are and shall always be ... the sexiest man alive. I love you Severus Snape. I want you. I want you now.

Always and forever waiting,

Dolores Umbridge.

* * *

Dear Pit of Despair,

You are the most revolting creature I've ever laid eyes upon. And how dare you insist I'm bony! I'm just lithe. And my lips will never touch those toad warts you call lips, that is just sick enough to make me retch. And yes, I maybe the sexiest man alive but it does nothing for me coming from the likes of Ministry scum like you.

I hope you die,

Professor Severus Snape

p.s. Please pour the vial of ground deadly nightshade in your evening tea and drink it. I detest you.

* * *

A/N And here is yet another chapter! Oh I love the response I'm getting! You don't know how happy this all makes me. Unfortunately this time Severus did not get a letter from his usually correspondent Jinx and he misses her letters terribly. Please read, review, and send in letters of your own! Let Letters to Snape live! Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	6. Batch 6

A/N Boy am I on a roll! I love the response I've gotten for this story, and hopefully it continues on. Now onto the 6th batch of letters!

Warning yet I again need to remind you that I do not own Severus Snape, however as mentioned previously I do own Alan Rickman and I've made him my sex slave…I mean man servant.

The 6th Batch

Dear Severus,

I do hate to be forward, but I seem to be channeling a certain deceased classmate of yours. She and I would both like to meet you for a romantic candle lit dinner. If you bring chocolate we'll forgive you for calling us a certain 'm' word.

Love,

erm...well we haven't quite decided to call ourselves yet, but this owl can find us.

* * *

Dear Trelawney Clone,

As if I haven't heard this one before! I mean I've taught in the same castle with Trelawney for 15 or more years. And I would not be interested in meeting with a psychotic, future spouting, woman that hangs around a depressed dead girl. But I'm sure if you owl Dumbledore he'd gladly help you out.

Sincerest Apologies for Your Stupidity,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear professor Snape,

I do not wish you to be nicer. I think your fine. Everyone has a role to play in this life, no matter what sort of disposition they have. I'm sure you do have an Excellent Crucio curse, B) you would possibly end Up in Azakabanan As well. Also, I was wondering if you have ever seen or heard of a television show called " Witch Hunter Robin" ( Not as bad as it sounds) I ask because a character form that show looks extraordinarily like you.

Sincerely,

-Dell

* * *

Dear Dell,

Well I'm glad you respect my role, note the sarcasm. Of course I have an excellent crucio curse, I already told you that. And it's Azkaban not whatever word it was you used. And considering I live purely in the wizarding world I would not have heard of a show such as Witch Hunter Robin. Unfortunately the picture you sent was blotted out by some ink stain. I'm sure I'll hear from you again. While your at it point out all my personality traits and take away all the mystery that is me!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I hear Dumbledore upped the number of therapy sessions with you again. Tough luck, eh? When I first came here he tried to get me into therapy too--seems he does that with some of the students he thinks could be disturbed. I'm not disturbed--I swear, I accidentally set fire to one of my text books on my first day, and now he thinks I'm a pyromaniac.

Well...I am a pyromaniac...but that's not really a problem to me.

My mother sends her regards. She was only too overjoyed to learn that I've been conversing with you--she's hoping that contact with a Slytherin will somehow sway me over to your House. I'd love for that to happen, but I suppose it's against the rules. I despise the Ravenclaw common room though--all they do is study here. It's most boring.

I see others have commented on your hair. I see nothing wrong with it--it's a decent length, and really isn't 'greasy' like most think. And no, I'm not sucking up--that's just my opinion. I really do despise those who suck up--like that despicable Granger girl. Not only does McGonagall favor her over everyone (though she'd never admitted) but that girl completely ruined the bell curve. Git...

Until next time!

Jinx, the Slytherin supporter.

P.S.: Care to make a wager on the next quidditch game? Ravenclaw against Slytherin?

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Ah a letter from my favorite Ravenclaw. Yes, Dumbledore has added more sessions again. The man is positively evil, and they say I'm the evil one. Honestly my anger problem has gotten better. I only gave 3 detentions today. And if you are disturbed then it is your right to be disturbed. Not to mention I'm sure Dumbledore is much more disturbed than you. And fire is essential to life so I understand your attraction to the beauty of fire.

As to your mother, I send her well wishes. I can respect any non-moronic Slytherin supporter. I'm seriously considering going to Dumbledore to switch you to Slytherin. You are not boring enough for Ravenclaw. Rules mean nothing to a Slytherin.

If I were you I wouldn't speak ill of Miss Granger. She is dating my god son and Draco has quite the temper. We wouldn't want you in the hospital wing with Weasley and that insufferable Hufflepuff Val.

As for my hair, it's not greasy. I just have fine hair not to mention I usually coat it with a fire proof substance for good reason too! So more students could learn to be more like you.

So until I hear from you again,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Why don't you ever brush your hair? It would look so much more attractive if you swept it all back off your face, ala Alan Rickman in Die Hard? Just a thought. LuckyRatTail

P.S. Washing it wouldn't be a bad idea either...

* * *

Dear LuckyRatTail,

Are you related to Peter Pettigrew? Your names are quite similar except Peter is not exceptionally lucky. As for my hair, like I said it isn't greasy. I do wash it. I'm British and I'm mindful of my hygiene. Apparently I look a lot like this Alan Rickman fellow I keep hearing about. Dumbledore finds it rather funny. So if I swept my hair back I'd look more like this Rickman guy. So there is your answer. Now why don't you go play with a cat!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Snape,

Well, to be frank, I've never particularly liked you. I probably never will. But there is one thing that's been on my mind lately, and I just need to get it out of the way. Do you fancy Hermione Granger?

Detestfully,

Emerald

Post Scriptum: I nearly forgot! Wash your hair, for God's sake! If I have to put up with the light's reflection on its oily surface any longer, I might go blind!

* * *

Dear Emerald,

I do not fancy Hermione Granger. She is a bushy haired, know-it-all. And like I've said repeatedly, she is dating my god son Draco. I showed Miss Granger and Draco this letter and they found it rather amusing. Draco wished to hex you but you can thank Miss Granger for stopping him. However she didn't notice the hex we slipped into this letter. Good luck getting rid of the boils!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. I'm not even going to answer the hair question, it's too tedious a task.

* * *

A/N Wow another chapter! This one was quite long. I'm pleased with the response I'm getting! I hope it continues. Keep sending in those letters, Snape loves to answer them. You know it helps his therapy!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen

p.s. Thanks to Dell for the letters Snape received I would message you personally but you sign anonymously! I unfortunately didn't get the link you wanted me to see, you'll have to send it in an email fan fiction blots out all links!


	7. Batch 7

A/N This chapter is dedicated to Oasis Blackmore, Jinx, and Dell my most faithful reviewers. This is the 7th chapter and I've been on a roll! I hope the response gets even better. I'm going to put a link for the story on my myspace and I hope others promote it too! Thanks for reading and enjoy the 7th batch!

Warning, I still don't own Sevvie…hehe he might just hurt me for that one.

The 7th Batch

Dear Professor Snape,

That idea of fire-proofing hair is excellent--I'll have to start doing that. I've had to get my hair cut several times before because I've singed parts of it.

I think my mother must have enchanted owls; this just sent me back another letter in all capital letters stating that she wants you to do everything you can to transfer me into your wonderful house. I think she is under the impression that I will get into far less trouble there, as I would be less swayed to cause trouble in that common room since it wouldn't be as boring. Who says a Slytherin cannot be studious but also interesting? Especially now that I have the pink hair I was so recently hexed with!

I was always rather surprised by Draco and Hermione--Draco seems like a fine young man, and Granger...well, you've advised against speaking ill of her and so I will take that advice. I will just have to ignore her the best I can until graduation. That's in what...a year? I can do that, easily.

I agree--Professor Dumbledore must be more disturbed than I. Does he even have a license to conduct therapy in the first place? I doubt it.

The quidditch match is tonight. Hopefully I'll see you in the stands! I'll be the one sitting in the Ravenclaw area, clad in green, and therefore most likely getting the life beaten out of me.

Until next time!

Jinx, the Slytherin supporter.

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Ah my favorite correspondent! Yes, the fire proof hair oil is my most prized possession, I'm sure you can understand since you know Neville Longbottom is in my class.

You know your mother has a point. Slytherins don't get into trouble. That's because we are devious and cunning enough to cover our tracks. Your mother must have been a Slytherin, do I know her? By the way, I persuaded Dumbledore into letting you switch houses. I told him I would buy him some of those muggle lemon drops he adores so much. So pack your bags. I'll expect you in the dungeons after dinner. Although I'm sure your pink hair will clash with the dungeon walls, but that will just make things more interesting.

As for Miss Granger and Draco, I wasn't that surprised about him liking her. After all Miss Granger was, and still is, nearly unobtainable. Honestly I've grown to almost like the know-it-all. Just don't tell her I said that. Wait, what am I saying, you plan on ignoring her. So that works out just fine.

You know now that you mention it, Dumbledore doesn't have a license to do therapy. Maybe I should find a license therapist from now on.

As for the quidditch match I shall look for you. If you are being mauled by rabid Ravenclaws I shall use a shield charm for you. You never know what might happen if you get infected by a real Ravenclaw.

Sincerely,

Your New Head of House Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear professor Snape,

I'm sorry if I have, is the right word exposed? Some of your personality. I tend to be very insightful to other people. Oh, and you need not point out sarcasm to me, as I studied that intensely. And I can see your dislike for Miss Cleo wanna-be's ( miss Cleo is a muggle Psychic, and a fraud), but I was wondering if you did believe in the accuracy of Dream interpretation, Tarot cars, palmistry and runes. Also, I an wondering, did you attend any post secondary education after Hogwarts. Also, I though you may have watched a little T.V in your time considering.. well, I'll shut my mouth here, but you know what I am talking about. Oh, and I think people talking badly about your appearance should get a life. With Global warming, wars and religious tension, people should at least be able to be nice to people about petty little matters. Honestly, No wonder human kind is doomed. and do you have an interest in metaphysical studies?

Sincerely,

Dell

* * *

Dear Dell,

Ah, I don't blame you for the exposure of some of my personality. I blame Dumbledore. The old coot has been making me more in touch with my feelings. It's completely appalling.

I have a complete lack of motivation for things of the occult. My hatred for divination is the one thing I can truly agree with Miss Granger on.

As for my appearance. Well it doesn't bother me. However I have been tempted to go to Madame Pomfrey to correct my nose. But I've just stuck to my usual look. I like the vampire look. The rumor among most of the student body is that I'm sexy in that vampire way. I could be wrong though.

Until next time.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

I am writing to tell you that I have loved you ever since I laid my eyes on you. I love you more than anything. Would you come to the Hog's Head at 7pm so we can rent a room and spend the night together?

Loving you forever,

Cornelius Fudge(Minister of Magic)

* * *

Dear Freak,

I shuddered with disgust as I read your letter. I will not come to the Hogshead. Why don't you and Umbridge meet at the Hogshead. You both share the same delusion. Don't ever write to me again you demented fool.

Despising you until the end of time,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. I hope you know the reversal of the hex I enclosed.

* * *

A/N Another chapter done! I want to thank Dell, for volunteering to be my beta! Also write more letters to Snape! The sooner I get letters the sooner you get chapter 8!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	8. Batch 8

A/N Here we go with chapter 8, I planned to have it out yesterday but I got lazy and put it off. I hope you like it! The response has been great which will make this my longest chapter yet! Enjoy. I'd like to thank my beta Dell! Also I'm sure you all realize this is AU and completely disregards HBP. Now if you are wondering, I'm Snape's niece. I figured that would go well with the story. I won't really be in the story myself too much, maybe just mentioned here and there.

Warning I don't own Severus…I am simply his niece and I control his well being.

Batch 8

Dear Severus Snape,

When I said "metaphysical" I meant the deeper aspects of Spirituality. Like meditation, past lives, and quiet contemplation. Another way to put it, I guess, are you spiritual, Religious, or neither? Also, I think being in touch with your feelings IS important (know thyself) but to have them exposed to the masses... Well, I pity you (though I know you don't need or want my pity.) Oh and why would you want to see Madame P? What's wrong with your nose?

Sincerely,

Dell

* * *

Dear Dell,

I'm not a spiritual person. I believe in all things I can see, experience, or do. I'm quite a rational man. I'm not a religious man, most wizards aren't. I am in touch with my feelings I just don't like to share them with others. This may be why I don't have lady friends. And like you said, I don't want your pity.

And as a side note, I believe my nose to be rather large and obtrusive. But my niece says its part of my sexy charm, her words not mine.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear S. Snape,

Are you ticklish? This letter was hexed with a truth charm. A new invention, as soon as you read the intro, you are compelled to write a true response. Yes, I'm in Slytherin.

Helen

* * *

Dear Helen,

I absolutely despise you. Is that truth enough for you? I know you are in Slytherin you silly nitwit. You are one of my 5th years correct? Anyway yes, I'm ticklish. As if it was any of your business. Now I hope you enjoy the hex I enclosed. Good luck getting rid of the mustache.

Yours Hatefully,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

My God, man--if you could literally see me right now, I would be bowing down to you. Of course my mother was overjoyed to hear of my change of House; when I go home for the Easter break, I think there is going to be a celebration for it. My mother's name is Virginia Eames--do you know her, by any chance? If I am correct, she was only a year or two older than you.

I've also put an order in for some fire-proof oil for my hair. You are quite right about Longbottom--as a Ravenclaw, I had Transfiguration with him. I lost my best set of robes to a fire because of him.

I suppose Dumbledore may lose many patients now that the word is out that he doesn't have a license. I heard my father talking about Dumbledore before; supposedly the Headmaster really is rather lax about following the rules. Strange, since he doesn't always follow them himself...

I moved into the Slytherin dungeons today, and formally met the girl known as Pansy Parkinson. Frightening, isn't she? Ah, well, at least she is not boring like many of the Ravenclaws. And yes, my pink hair harshly clashes with the coloring down here, but the black gloss I wear over my lips helps to tone it down a bit. I love the dungeons...so dark and therefore inviting...absolutely brilliant!

Thank you for your help at the quidditch match! Many Ravenclaws seem to think I have betrayed them since I have switched houses, arguing that the Sorting Hat's decision is always final. The shield charm came in handy, and I'm hopeful that now they'll leave me alone. Looking forward to class tomorrow.

Jinx, your new Slytherin student.

P.S: Val has begun waking up from her coma. Damn.

* * *

Dear New Slytherin,

I'm glad to know how pleased you are with the switch. Always remember that when you want something from Dumbledore all you have to do is offer him lemon drops. You know how it goes I'm sure. As for your mother, Virginia Eames, I do know of her. I do believe she briefly dated Rabastan Lestrange back in Hogwarts.

Yes, Longbottom is the reason I use the fireproof oil for my hair. I'm thinking about making it mandatory for anyone in a class with Longbottom.

Yes, Dumbledore has always marched to his own drum so to speak. Obviously he is lax if he continues to let Trelawney work here. Honestly the woman is a dingbat.

Miss Parkinson is quite an interesting girl. She is kind of like the British version of Fran Dresher. It's terribly horrifying really. Though she is a pretty nice girl, being a daughter of death eaters and all, she talks a lot but she will be a decent roommate to have. Well it's nice you are able to tone down that cotton candy head of yours. It looked as if someone colored it with a muggle highlighter. No offence of course.

No problem about the match. Well, in a way you did betray the Ravenclaws, but they had it coming. Now I'm sure they will leave you alone. You fit in just fine with the other Slytherins. Draco is pleased to have another capable Slytherin around.

Well, good luck in class. I shall see you there!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. It's terrible about your friend Val. Maybe you should offer her a rather large vial of arsenic?

* * *

Dear Severus,

We pretty much all know about you and a certain would-be-dictator. Seeing how much time you certainly spent with his followers, how did you not notice that one of your childhood enemies was among them? In other words, you either are extremely forgetful, or you knew Pettigrew was a Death Eater and didn't tell Dumbledore. Or possibly, you thought it was funny when Black went to Azkaban? In either case, you should really go to twice daily therapy sessions.

Poppy

* * *

Dear Poppy,

You know, Madame, I was never a death eater. I was a spy from the beginning. As for Pettigrew, not that it is any of your business; I felt he was rather harmless. He was just a sniveling rat. Though it was rather entertaining when Black went to Azkaban. Now the whole therapy thing was out of line you crackpot old woman. You and Dumbledore are a match made in heaven I swear. It's just too bad he is secretly dating Minerva. Oh wait; it's not a secret anymore is it?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Severus Snape,

Allow me to begin by saying that your prowess as a Potions Master is known world wide and for that reason I write to as one Potions Master to another. Do you think it's possible to convert Draught of Living Death into an airborne agent? Hypothetically speaking, wouldn't that be easier than forcing someone to down the stuff and still achieve the same effects?

Sincerely,

Alexis Ravenlockes

Potions Master of Salem Academy for Higher Magical Education

* * *

Dear Professor Alexis Ravenlockes,

I'm pleased you recognize my talents as a potions master first and foremost. I myself have heard of you as well. I do believe you were trained around the same time as me. Anyway as to your question, I believe it is possible. Honestly we used a similar method to defeat the Dark Lord. It is definitely easier, but more lethal. You have to more careful when deploying the agent. It's extremely dangerous. Unfortunately Potter lived through it.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Snivellus,

YOU'RE GETTING FAN MAIL? Washed your greasy hair at last, have you? Or is the mail from the greasy head society or something?

By the way, we'd just like to state that we got 200 times more fan mail than you did. Oh, and if you want to see something really ugly and greasy, we recommend you look in the mirror.

James Potter and Sirius Black

p.s. we added a hex that makes your hair go pink. Look in the mirror! You should be thanking us since we improved your look. It's far better than your greasy hair, don't you think...So, we'll be waiting to hear thanks from you.

p.p.s. If you're still having hair troubles, try Head and Shoulders or Pantene Pro V.

* * *

Potter and Black,

I sincerely hate the both of you more than you could ever imagine. And by the way, aren't the two of you dead? This is quite creepy really. Oh well, it's not like I haven't gotten letters from dead people before. Honestly you two don't seem to grow up. And personally I look rather fetching with pink hair, at least that's what my niece said, though I think she was lying. You will never hear the word thanks being uttered from my mouth, especially to the likes of you gits.

Sincerest Wishes for your Deaths,

Professor Severus Snape

P.S. I hope you enjoy the hexes I sent to the both of you. Just to be fair of course. Now I will be waiting to hear who got the orange hair and who got the lime green hair.

* * *

Dear Severus,

You don't need to deny it. I know you love me, too. I can see your plan. You're playing hard to get. You know you love me. Also, I won't meet Umbridge at Hogs Head because, that would be cheating on you and I don't ever want to betray your trust. The hex you enclosed made me realize that you love me more than ever.

Hoping to hear from you soon...

From your darling Cornelius...

p.s. I love you

* * *

Dear Stubborn Moron,

Shouldn't you be off somewhere making Umbridge happy? Honestly I hate you more than ever. I hope someone wipes you off the face of the wizarding world. I will never go to you. You are a pathetic man, worse than even Sirius Black and that's saying something. Now stay away from me. If you come near me I'll be forced to avada you on the spot.

Sincerest Wishes for your death,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. Don't ever write to me again. I hope the hex I sent this time works better.

* * *

Dear Severus,

How are you? Do you want to go out with me on Sunday?

Love,

The Wife of a Deatheater

* * *

Dear Wife of a Deatheater,

I'm sure you realize that you are married. I myself am unattached and I prefer my women to be just as unattached as myself. And I probably know your husband anyway. Not to mention I'm quite interested in a certain Professor Sylvia Sinistra. Thanks for the offer anyway.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Professor Snape,

Can you please stop leaving your dirty underwear lying around on the floor of your room! It is not particularly pleasant to clean up.

Argus Filch and Mrs. Norris

* * *

Dear Argus and Mrs. Norris,

Honestly why would you worry yourselves with cleaning my room. You know that's why Hogwarts has house elves. By the way don't mention what I said to Miss Granger.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Serevus

You'll be happy to know that I have, err, "disposed" of both Dolores Umbridge and Cornelius Fudge. Now we are free to be forever together my love!

Hugs and Kisses,

Fan Girl #1734

* * *

Dear Fan Girl #1734,

I have fan girls? Ok now on to the next subject, we won't be together forever or ever. But I do highly appreciate you dispatching Umbridge and Fudge; they were quite bothersome and disturbing.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

A/N Wow that is my longest chapter yet! I hope everyone liked it and hopefully the response stays just as strong, or yet even stronger! Thanks for all the letters and keep it up!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	9. Batch 9

A/N Wow, this story is doing so well! I'm up to 50 reviews! This makes me so happy. I'm already planning a companion story which will be roughly based on this one. My good friend Dell is helping me come up with the new story. Of course it will be slightly based on some role-playing experiences. Anyway keep the responses coming, and enjoy this chapter!

Warning I don't own Severus but I do bend him to my will.

Batch 9

Dear Professor Snape,

Who or what has hurt you so much that you feel you need to hurt others to heal yourself?

Astrix

P.s. Were you ever in a rock band, or did you often go to a club to watch local bands?

* * *

Dear Astrix,

Do you honestly need to ask that question? I mean didn't you know how Black and Potter treated me? Not to mention if I weren't the way I am would you even recognize me?

As to your other question, I was in a band back in my Hogwarts days. I played bass while Lucius Malfoy played the lead guitar and did the lead vocals. Nicodemus Nott was the drummer and we were great. We called ourselves Morsmordre. We even had nicknames. I was Obsidian then Lucius was Luscious Lucius and Nicodemus was Nico. We were a mix between glam metal and punk rock.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Professor Snape

There is nothing wrong with your nose… To say that there was, is to say that there is a right way to look and a wring way to look, and those who look "Wrong" should remedy that so they can look right. And sadly, most people deny their natural sixth sense these days. I don't mean, fortune telling, but that thing you feel that has nothing to do with other senses…

Sincerely,

Dell

P.S. Everyone is Ticklish.

* * *

Dear Dell,

Yes, I've come to terms with my nose long ago. Society does have a problem labeling people and being rather shallow…coughs; Black and Potter: coughs

As for the whole sixth sense thing well that is true. I mean honestly I'm a wizard we do have extra abilities. But that other divination mumbo jumbo is ridiculous.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

This letter had a hex on it. As soon as you laid eyes on it, a tickling charm was placed on you. It will tickle you once every 10 min for the next two days. There is no reversal spell. Don't bother send a hex with your next reply… It will not work, I assure you…

Love- Helen

* * *

Dear Evil Incarnate,

I did not appreciate the hex at all. My niece took the liberty to take pictures of my giggling…she also made videos. I truly loathe you. I hope you drop dead. But I do have to compliment you on being able to accomplish such a difficult hex.

Sincerest Loathing,

Professor Severus Snape

P.S. Since you said the hex wouldn't hurt…I thought I'd send some undiluted bubtober pus.

* * *

Dear Severus,

You indeed know my husband Lucius. But he is no fun anymore.

Wife of a Death Eater,

Narcissa Malfoy

* * *

Dear Narcissa,

As you know, I'm quite good friends with Lucius. I cannot go out with you. Honestly why don't you try Nicodemus?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Yes, I had quite the interesting discussion with Draco Malfoy today. I find it strange that someone so able and cunning as he would date...Hermione Granger.

But, each to his own, I suppose. He seems like a very capable boy, and he'll make a fine addition to the Death Eaters.

And yes...I do know that my mother dated Rabastan Lestrange. I would know, because I am his daughter. I harbor no love for him, at all. My mother diverged from him after a while, and now it is just the two of us that live together. I hope you take no offense to this, but I rather despise the fact that Rabastan is my father--and even more that Rodolphus and Bellatrix are related to me as well. They have never looked upon me in kindness, no matter of where my loyalties lie. They have assured me before that I will never be a Death Eater.

I see that another fan mail writer has turned your hair pink. Poor dear. Some

'Miss. Kayla's Magical Hair Dye--Works against any hex!" will help you get it black again, I assure you.

I hope to hear from you soon!

Jinx, from the House of Slytherin.

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Draco will never be a death eater. Ever since Voldemort saw the internet cartoon Potter Puppet Pals, thanks to Dell, he died of shame. Yes…after all of our efforts he died of shame. And now all of the most fearsome death eaters are in Azkaban now. Luckily it was proven that Lucius, Nicodemus, and I were proven innocent of death eater charges. Dumbledore vouched that we were spies for light side…which was true.

As for your father, well he was a pompous git. I disliked all Lestranges. No offence to you. I know you are still a Lestrange despite your loathing for them. But you can overcome such things. You have a lot of potential, use it in a better way than following a crackpot Dark Lord.

As for my hair…it is back to normal. Thanks for the information on Miss Kayla's Magical Hair Dye.

I hope you are doing better in Slytherin than you did in Ravenclaw. You are too Slytherin for Ravenclaw anyway.

Sincerely,

Your Head of House, Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

I was not suggesting you were a Death Eater! Good Heavens! I certainly know you are a spy. Albus is in so much trouble. Why don't you try 'therapy' with Sylvia...Also, you could you please provide me with some mild poison that could be used to spike anti old age potions?

Poppy

* * *

Dear Poppy,

I know you never suspected me. But Albus is in a bit of hot water. Well, just recently Sylvia dumped me for Lockhart. However Rosmerta is rather interested in me. As for the potion consider it done. Just pick it up in the dungeons tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.s. Need I even ask who the poison is for?

* * *

Dear Severus,

When was the last time you cried, and why? And not out of pain, out of emotion.

-QoS

* * *

Dear QoS,

Why must you ask such trivial questions? I should not even dignify this with an answer! Honestly this is a bit personal! But it was back in like 1982 when my band Morsmordre broke up. It was truly sad.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Snivellus,

Your hexes are still as lame as they were in second year! You might have noticed that the hex backfired onto you! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! We might be dead but we're still going to haunt you for eternity! Sirius just wants to add that your hair will never look as fetching as HIS hair, pink or not. We both agree that you are a greasy headed, smelly armpit, bogey brained git. And how did YOU get to be a professor, anyway? Or are you teaching slytherins, how to make their hair greasy as yours? Maybe it's called Greasy Hair class.Sirius shudders in horror, while shielding his hair, protectively Anyway, if you give Harry any more trouble, you will pay.

James Potter and Sirius Black

P.s. Enjoy the slimy nose hex we sent you

* * *

Potter and Black,

Thankfully I realized the hex was going to backfire and I was able to dodge it. And why can't you haunt someone else, say Albus? And my hair is quite lovely. A friend of my niece is re-doing my hair.

And I'm a professor because I'm talented at brewing potions. And my teaching has nothing to do with greasy hair you childish imbeciles. I wonder how Lily ever put up with the two of you.

Anyway I'll trouble Potter as much as I wish. I'd like to know how you dead gits will stop me. Especially since I know how to counter your insipid hexes.

Sincerest Wishes of Your Expellment,

S.S.

P.s. The greasy nose hex was so predictable. You all are starting to loose your edge!

* * *

Darling Sevie-poo,

I cried as I read your harsh reply. But then I realized, you DO love me and you're playing hard to get because you're scared I will reject you. But don't worry, my love, I will never reject you. I will love you forever. This morning, I saw a very sexy thong in a shop and thought you would look gorgeous in it, (though, of course, you're always gorgeous!) so I bought it and sent it. It cost 20 Galleons but don't worry, darling, you deserve the best. Anyway, I just want to say, the hex you sent was brilliant! That's one of the things I love about you. I will always find your loving hexes welcoming but your kisses, more... How about a date tomorrow? I will wait longingly for your reply.

Remember, that I will never reject you, Sevie-Poo...

Your sweetheart,

Cornelius Fudge (Minister for Magic)

* * *

Dear Stalker Zombie,

I'm sure that Fan Girl killed you. So I can only say you are a zombie and you really must get over your infatuation with me. I truly hate you. You are disgusting pathetic excuse for a man. I would never wear such a girlie thong like that. Everyone knows I'd rather a green and black one! So I reject your gift as well. I'll be sending the ministry word on the fact you are now a zombie, and they will kill you soon. Never write to me again you maggot infested inferious wannabe!

Leave Me Alone,

S.S.

* * *

Dear Severus,

Would you accept an invitation to join me in my quarters during dinner time tonight? I would to discuss some matters of the utmost importance concerning the

Slytherin House and thought dinner time would be the most convenient time for an uninterrupted meeting. House Elves are to deliver food while we go over the above mentioned matters.

Yours,

Sylvia

PS: Elf-made wine should be perfect.

* * *

Dearest Sylvia,

I guess you are re-thinking your disposal of our relationship eh? Well I will meet you tonight. I will bring the wine you speak of. Now if you dump me for Lockhart again I shall carve your heart out with a spoon. Now, I shall see you later.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N Wow, I'm sorry it took me so long. But I just couldn't tap into character. But my friend Dell helped me out. Hopefully the next chapter will come out sooner. I just love all the response! Keep up the fantastic letters!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	10. Batch 10

A/N I'm really loving the response I've been getting for this story. I'm really hoping to reach at least 100 reviews and I'm a little over half way there. I hope everyone is enjoying this story as much as me! I'm still working on the companion story and I'm hoping I can start writing it soon. I will be in the story as well as my friend Dell. And others who have written letters will more than likely be written into the story too! Now on to the 10th chapter of Letters to Snape!

Warning I still don't own Severus but give me time MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

The 10th Batch

Dear S.S. Snape,

I have a big problem. I don't know why the sorting hat put me in Gryffindor and I would really like the answer. I just don't understand, I don't like courage or the colors red and gold. Plus, for me Godric Gryffindor was an arrogant twit! Why did he kick out Salazar Slytherin the most wonderful house founder of Hogwarts! I think I will always wonder that. Anyway, on my sorting day, when I put the sorting hat on my head it immediately shouted "Gryffindor!" before I could even say how I didn't want to be in Gryffindor. I didn't want to be in the house of the annoying Golden Trio. I'm tired of the house points that the Gryffindors loose everyday because they aren't intelligent when it comes to potions. I don't know why but they seem more intelligent in other classes and it angers me. Finally I very much like the color black, the dungeon, and potions class.

Sincerely,

Gabie the Non-Gryffindor Gryffindor

* * *

Dear Slytherin Wannabe,

I understand what you are saying. The Gryffindor house is most undesirable. But I can't switch every student who wants to switch houses. I'm sure you know I had Jinx Lestrange put into Slytherin, but she proved herself to be really Slytherin. You seem like a really nice girl. But the fact is that the hat did put you in Gryffindor. It's just something you'll have to live with. Sorry I can't help you.

Sincerest Apologies,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

I am wondering, and I have been wondering this for a long time. What happened, originally, to start the feud between you, Black, and Potter? I mean, what started it all? I know they did terrible things and all, but why? Why did they pick you?

Dell

P.s. If the answer is I don't know, then that is fine I know the feeling.

P.s.s. Looking forward to the concert on Monday where you and Morsmordre plan to have your reunion!

* * *

Dear Dell,

Well, the whole thing started because I was a Slytherin. I was different looking and I didn't hang out with the best people such as Bellatrix Black, and the Lestrange brothers. And I just happened to be weaker than Potter and Black so they thought they could bully me. But, at least I'm alive, where they aren't. Oh well.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

P.S. Thank you for the good job on the make over you gave me. The blue streaks in my hair do wonders for my complexion. And Sylvia really likes it!

* * *

Professor Severus Snape,

This is Nicole from Paranormal Piercing Parlor. I am sorry for any inconvenience, but due to a slight overbooking fiasco your nipple piercing appointment has been pushed back from 3:30 to 4:35. I hope this fits in your schedule.

Yours Sincerely,

Nicole.

* * *

Dear Nicole,

Yes my schedule is still open. It is ridiculous for a magical establishment to run into such muggle errors! Just know I probably won't recommend your company to anyone unless you do a superb job on the piercing itself. Thank you for the notice though.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. Isn't there a way to keep Albus Dumbledore from hearing about this? He would never let me live it down.

* * *

Dear Severus,

It has come to my attention that I supposedly look like you. I received a picture of you from some old codger that I ran into at an orchid show that called himself Albus D. Enclosed with the picture was a letter saying nothing but "Tee Hee Hee." I must admit I find this disturbing. Not that we look so much alike…it's an honor to find another man in this world as attractive as myself…but the fact that this Albus D. person was giggling manically at me as he handed me a package of lemon drops. I later discovered why the old nut was laughing…after sucking on one of the lemon drops my hair turned a rather attractive shade of onyx for 24 hours. I rather liked that look. However, it then became a revolting shade of fuchsia/pink that nothing seems to get rid of.

However pleased I am to meet your acquaintance, I feel I must warn you about this Albus D. person in case you haven't met him before. He seemed quite deranged and he reeked of whiskey. He MUST have been intoxicated if he never realized he had attended the orchid show wearing what looked like a purple nightgown with a queer sort of purple night cap adorned with silver stars.

If in fact you DO know this person, I ask you tell the barmy old fool that I have every intention of hunting him down and beating him senseless with every blunt object I can get my hands on.

Sincerely,

Alan Rickman

* * *

Dear Alan,

Firstly, I must admit I am rather pleased to hear from you. My niece is a big fan of yours so I have watched all of your movies and that sort. I've always been told we look alike. It is quite the honor isn't it?

Now, about this Albus D. person. I do know him. He is the despicable Headmaster of the school I teach at. He is absolutely mad. But he is practically harmless. I have enclosed a bottle of solution that should take the pink out of your hair. And know that you know Albus you should be careful about anything you eat or touch. The man maybe deranged and intoxicated but he is still rather smart. Not to mention that little threat you threw at him, well it would work if the man had any sense what so ever.

It was a pleasure to hear from you and I do hope to hear from you again. I'll do my best to contain the mad Headmaster. In the mean time could you send my niece and autograph?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Ah yes, I remember seeing those "Potter Puppet Pals" over the summer. How horrible they were, having those kids "BOTHER!" you so much. At least some good came of it. Honestly, what good is a Dark Lord if he was continuously beaten by a trio of student teenagers anyway?

It is not a problem what so ever about the hair dye. Colin and Dennis Creevey once dyed my hair green when I fell asleep in the library, and so I had to use it. Pink does well for my hair, but for some odd reason green doesn't…

Is my father still even alive? I'm certain he managed to escape Azkaban during the breakout, but I've heard nothing of him since. I shudder to think we may cross paths one day. But you are correct—I shall try not to let my bloodlines taint my potential. No pathetic Dark Lord will be the ruler of me.

I am doing so much better now in Slytherin than I was in Ravenclaw, most likely due to the fact that the others around me are actually like me. The sorting hat must have been senile when it sorted me.

Val is up and about again. Damn. I would put her in the hospital wing again, but McGonagall told me if something happened to Val once more then she would immediately suspect me. Oh well…

Looking forward to Potions tomorrow!

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Ah yes, the "Potter Puppet Pals," honestly they were a little bit amusing. The way they portrayed Voldemort and Albus were dead on. The only problem with my character was that he sounded like Squidward from Sponge Bob Square Pants. Oh well…you can't always win.

Well sometimes it depends on your complexion for the color of hair. Honestly black and blue look best on me. I got this make over for my band reunion and I got blue streaks put in my hair. It works quite well. Since pink seems to work with you, you could consider streaks.

And no your father isn't alive. It seems Rodolphus killed him in a duel because your father was caught sleeping with Bellatrix. It was quite the scandal really. So you need not worry about him anymore. Like I said you have a great deal of potential and the Lestrange family name can take you far, if you don't let a few psychos ruin it for you.

I'm glad to hear Slytherin is treating you well. I've noticed you've made plenty of friends. I've also noticed Theo Nott has taken interest in you. Ah, it's nice to have the house getting along. It makes it easier when the Slytherins fight with other houses and not amongst themselves.

Well, about Val, maybe you can frame another student for her accident that will leave her comatose once again. Say, you could frame Fred Weasley. Fred is dating my niece and I can't say I'm pleased about a Slytherin such as her dating a Weasley.

Until Tomorrow,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Of course you needn't ask who it's for…I have administered it already, and "accidentally," dropped my entire supply of antidotes on the floor. If a twinkly eyed dirty old man comes begging for a bezoar, at least make sure he chokes on it…I'm administering it in small doses, so he shouldn't know, but I swear he uses legilimancy on everyone, including the staff…

Poppy

* * *

Dear Poppy,

I have to admit you idea is ingenious. The only problem is that he has already figured out about the poison. I gave him the bezoar and he took it well. Then he proceeded to get drunk and go to a muggle orchid show where he harassed the actor Alan Rickman. Good Merlin, the man has gone insane…

Dumbledore just ran into my office, he was completely starkers and he was singing some rap song and calling himself Albus D. Oh, we must figure something out soon.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N Oh I hope everyone likes this chapter! I hope I keep up getting the letters. I would love some more character letters and such. And if anyone thinks they could write as Dumbledore please do! So until next time, I bid you farewell.

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	11. Batch 11

A/N Wow, the response to chapter 10 was so good, I had to divide the letters into two chapters! My goodness…I'm so happy with the way this story is turning out. And it seems that it is still picking up speed! I'm at 75 reviews and I'm just hoping I'll hit 100 soon. Please keep the letters and the reviews pouring in, and Severus will keep on answering! By the way there is a reference to Desperate Housewives, I personally don't watch the show but obviously my readers do. But I don't own the character from Desperate Housewives.

Warning I still don't own Sev…but I'll keep trying.

Batch 11

Dear Severus,

Many thanks for the bottle of solution that turned my hair back to normal.

Enclosed is an autograph for your niece. Anything for a fan of mine. My sympathies for having to work under such a madman as Albus D. That must be quite awful. I still can't get the image of him in his purple nightie out of my mind. Doesn't he know that real men wear BLACK? How does a person such as himself become an authority over children is what I want to know. Do the children even learn anything under such a person? He seems the sort to disregard rules of the SANE kind, if you know what I mean. I must inquire, what do you teach at this school of yours? I was always rather fond of chemistry myself, with English lit taking up a close second. Ah yes. I shall certainly have to be careful about what I touch or eat as you said. My wife Rima received a box of toffees in the post today with no return address. Assuming they were from her sister, she consumed half the box before she developed some rather nasty...erm...effects. Imagine my surprise when I discovered a large canary sitting in our living room. Once it had molted and Rima was revealed I realized the hijinks of one Albus D. I must admit to being curious where he finds such things. I might...if aggravated...be tempted to turn a coworker of mine by the name of Maggie Smith into, oh, let's say a slug. She's quite the bint when she snottily insists everyone call her DAME Maggie Smith. Honestly...does the woman think she's some kind of royalty?

Yours sincerely,

Alan Rickman

* * *

Dear Alan,

It was no problem with the giving you the solution. I'm glad to know you are back to normal. Yes, continue to watch your mail. It seems as if my niece's boyfriend, who is quite the prankster, has gotten your address. He is a rather jealous guy and he knows how big a fan she is of yours so I'm guessing he is the one who sent the package of candy to you and your wife. Do give her my apologies. Speaking of my niece she absolutely loves the autograph. She framed the picture and put it on her nightstand where her boyfriend's picture used to sit, which is why I'm sure he sent the candy.

As for Albus D. well he is quite a nutcase isn't he? I have a friend who is working on some medicine to get him under control. Lets just hope this medication works…for my sanity. Oh and I teach chemistry, well potions is what we call it here at the school. It is such a wonderful subject. I'm considered a potions master.

Well this Maggie Smith sounds a bit like the bint I work with. She is a fellow professor and her name is Minerva McGonagall she is quite the stubborn old broad. I'll enclose a package of a candy that will make her tongue grow into gigantic proportions…I'll also give you the antidote to the candies…you can bend her to your will that way.

Sincerely,

Professor Severs Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

You are cordially invited to Malfoy Manor to show your appreciation of all mankind. Please join us for our 2006 Muggle Appreciation Ball. Muggle attire a must. Muggle catering on the front balcony and muggle beverages in the cellar bar.

Date: January 31

Time: 7:00 p.m. to 2 a.m.

Please RSVP and state the name of the muggle you intend to bring.

Your friends,

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy

Post script: All muggles must be obliviated after ball.

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Of course I will come to the ball. I won't be bringing a muggle, as I don't know many. I do hope you know your son is bringing Miss Granger. My niece and her fiancé Fred Weasley will attend as well, Merlin help me.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Darling Sevie-poo-sweetheart,

No, darling, Fan Girl did not kill me and I am not a zombie. Fan Girl stunned me and threw me in a sewage. I nearly died but decided to live for you, darling. When I read your reply, I truly thought you hated me but I read a book on romance and it said that denial is a step of love, which is exactly doing. You don't need to hide it any longer, Sevie-Poo. We should just come clean to the world about our love. Remember, darling, that I will never reject you and that I love you. Also, I sent you a green and black thong, this time as you requested. By the way, come to my office tonight, so that we can have sex.

From your darling Cornelius...

P.s I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I

love you I love you I love you I love you love you I love you I love you I love

you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love

you love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you

* * *

Stubborn Psycho,

I truly loathe you…how many times must I say it. I will never have sex with you and I'll never love you! You know I hear Gilderoy Lockhart has a giant crush on you. Why don't you just go for it with him? Honestly leave me alone or I'll send a pack of fan girls!

You Disgust Me,

S.S.

* * *

Dear Severus,

I believe we could get Kreacher the House Elf to put it in his food...if we do it

EXTREMELY slowly, Albus D. will just think his age is finally catching up to

him. Perhaps, considering recent disturbing behavior, we should administer a

sedative as well? Or an anti-psychotic...

I hear you had a dinner date. I hope it went well. Also, I hear rumors of a

nipple piercing. Should an infection occur, you can count on my discretion.

Poppy

PS. I think next time Potter ends up in my care, we should take advantage of the

situation.

* * *

Dear Poppy,

I never figured we'd be conspiring against Albus D. oh well. Anyway your idea is good except Albus D. doesn't trust Kreacher. But he is due for an exam so you could administer an anti-psychotic.

Yes, so I'm not sure if Sylvia and I will work out. She seems to still be feeling for Lockhart. But as for the nipple piercing, well..ahem…that is true. Thanks for the discretion if I come down with a infection.

As for Potter I agree. The boy is a menace! He annoys me so…he learned how to get in to the Slytherin common room. Next time I will not hesitate to hex him, it's not like Albus D. would notice.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Snivellus,

You don't seem to know much about death. We can do stuff beyond your

imagination. You'll have realized by now that the hex we sent you is unavoidable. So, have fun singing Toxic by Britney Spears and tap dancing while the fun in the great

hall at dinner. James would just like to add," SINCE WHEN WERE YOU ON FIRST NAMES BASIS WITH MY WIFE? I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED TO PADFOOT AND HEXED YOU INTO THE NEXT CENTURY! YOU

SLIMEBALL! YOU GIT! YOU-"

"JAMES POTTER! WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON! YOU'RE BULLYING SNAPE AGAIN! FOR GOODNESS SAKE, YOU'RE A 36 YEAR OLD MAN! NOT A 2 YEAR OLD TODDLER!

Lily clumps him on the head after shrieking at him. James whimpers in pain

Sirius would like to add," YOUR HAIR WILL NEVER BE AS LOVELY AS MINE!" James and Sirius(after lily was gone) would both like to state that they find the

fact that Snivellus and Fudge are going out is hilarious. They also claim that they always knew in someway that Snivellus was gay. They also note that they would most certainly come to Mr. Fudge's and Mr. (soon to be Mrs. fudge) Snivellus' wedding to throw tomatoes at them during the ceremony. Anyway, remember to invite us to your wedding.

Throwing tomatoes at you for eternity,

James Potter and Sirius Black (Prongs and Padfoot)

* * *

Potter and Black,

I loathe you for making me sing that horrible song. And don't get all bent out of shape Potter! Didn't you know Lily and I dated briefly during Hogwarts? Ah well that'll teach you. By the way I have a question, why do you call me Snivellus? I just don't get it. And I would like to thank Lily for defending me.

Now Black my hair is sexy since I've got it done. It's silky and soft with blue streaks. The blue looks fabulous with my skin!

Now about Fudge, I hate the git. If I were gay I'd have better taste. I'd at least hit on Remus if I were gay. But alas, I'm not and I'm dating a WOMAN! mumbles about Gryffindor idiots.

I Hate You Both,

S.S.

* * *

Severus,

How many times shall I remind you that, that fraud Lockhart had almost the whole staff under a love spell (although I wouldn't be so sure about Professor Vector...) and that said love spell only broke when his own mind did... I'm glad the pompous git is locked up in St Mungo's . The only regret I have is that I haven't been able to send him myself.

Cut my heart out with a spoon? Imitations don't become you Severus, I'm sure if you tried you would come up with a form of torture more original than one suggested by a Sheriff century ago.

Now, I heard from a friend of mine that you'd like to add a ornament to a certain part of your chest. Part I highly approve of if I might add. I think it would be beneficial for me to accompany you to your appointment and get myself one as well.

YOURS?

Sylvia

PS: I had a most enjoyable evening (and night). Care to continue tonight?

* * *

Dear Sylvia,

I know all about the Lockhart scandal. And yes I forgive you. I understand. I'm sorry about overreacting.

Well I'm sorry about the threat…I was upset so I wrote the only thing that sprang to mind. And I got the quote from my niece who absolutely adores Alan Rickman movies. But you are right I could do better.

Thank you for going with me to get my new chest ornament. I quite like yours too. I hope we do spend the evening together again soon.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.s. Of course you are mine! No one else's!

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I am one of your 7th year students. and I was wondering when I get out of school would you go out with me. I think you are very cute.

Coco

PPS: I fear the Headmaster has gone totally barmy. Just one hour after you left

this morning, he came to see me and told me he always enjoyed the sight of

running babies in the castle...

* * *

Dear Miss Coco Romanoff,

I appreciate your affection. But you are too young for the likes of myself. Plus I don't think Mr. Nott would be pleased.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.S. Yes the Headmaster is quite insane. But a friend of mine, who is quite good with potions, is working on something to return him to normal.

* * *

Dear Mr. Snape,

I am a muggle soccer-mom who lives in the US. Naturally, I never read

children's literature, but my children know all about you. So, here goes. Can

you give me any parenting tips regarding discipline? My teenagers are totally

out of control. Any advice would be appreciated.

Sincerely,

Bree Van De Kamp

P.S. On a personal note, don't feel so bad about being compared to that actor

guy. I can't tell you how many times people have come up to me in the supermarket and asked me if I'm Marcia Cross. Whoever that is. By the way, are you a leg man? Did I mention I'm single? Widowed actually.

* * *

Dear Ms. Van De Kamp,

Well discipline must be done constantly. You can't just start punishing them then never follow through. It will be difficult. You must set rules and be strict with the rules. I wish you luck.

As for this Marcia Cross person…I asked my niece about her and she said she was this muggle actress. I can't be sure though. As for Alan Rickman, the man is quite a delight. I'm happy to look like such a handsome man.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape

I must say, I am impressed, both by the bubtober pus, and by your concert, Nice. And my hands were healed up enough to enjoy it fully. Now, the spell I

was GONNA use would have lasted a week, but you have friends in high places. (thank Dell next time you see her. you owe her) so, this will only last 2 days. You may have noticed that you've turned into a potterpuff by now (of course you have, you're 3 feet high and have no real hands) I think this is a very nice little version of you. oh, and I know you took two days off last week for the other spell I sent you, and I don't think you can take another 2 days off now. Ah well. Enjoy the Spell. next letter I get from you, I'll be wearing gloves.

- Helen A.K.A Evil Incarnate

p.s compliments on the new look. Black had nothing on you.

* * *

Dear Helen,

I'm glad my idea impressed you. This potterpuff idea is ingenious but you are evil. I hate being this small. Thankfully Sylvia charmed me to have real hands instead of these circle things. And I know that I'm adorable as a potterpuff. Now that the spell has worn off, which I waited till it did to write back, I'm much more appreciative of my old self. And also while I was in potterpuff mode my niece Flair, who is also my apprentice, helped me teach. She also kept the cooing girls away.

Thanks for the compliments on the concert. I thought we did quite well. I also looked rather sexy if I say so myself.

And now that you are reading this you didn't notice the vapors from the letter. They will cause you to cluck like a chicken every time you try to speak for the next 24 hours. Next time I'd suggest you think of all the angles.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N This is all for chapter 11. I have many more letters but they will be in chapter 12. Chapter 12 will be coming out soon! Please keep on responding…I love the letters I've been getting.

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	12. Batch 12

A/N Wow I'm loving the responses. I'm getting a lot of fantastic letters and I love the correspondence. I hope everyone keeps up the great work. This is a continuation of chapter 11…I went ahead and called it chapter 12 even if it's still response from letters received after chapter 10 so I hope no one is confused by this. Well I hope everyone likes this chapter.

Warning…I've yet to buy Severus for myself. Give me time.

Batch 12 or a Continuation of Batch 11

Dear Severus,

Already preparing for upcoming ball. The Sleek and Sexy hair tonic you gave me for Christmas isn't giving me the luscious vibrancy it usually does. Please advise.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Well after reading your short and to the point letter I decided to enclose another bottle of Sleek and Sexy hair tonic. Don't tell me you tried to apply it yourself, you know Narcissa always does it better. Well I look forward to the ball. My lady friend Sylvia will accompany me.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear professor Snape,

Thank for your answer but now I will have to pass to plan B. Do you think that I could try to poison the headmaster with a sleeping potion in his lemon drops so I could rip in pieces the stupid sorting hat? I just hate that thing. I know all its history but on my sorting day it forgot who I was and because of that I am in the most repulsive house of the school.

Sincerely,

Gabie Ralafinpuff

* * *

Dear Miss Ralafinpuff,

I am not quite sure you'll get away with poisoning Albus D. Madame Pomfrey and myself have already tried…many times. But I wish you luck. I know you may not truly be a Gryffindor…but keep in mind that you can terrorize better from within.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Cannot decide what color body glitter would go best with green poet top. Want to be flashy and sexy, but not TOO flashy or sexy. Wouldn't want that toad Umbridge stalking me again. Do I use silver? Or green? Would green glitter be too MUCH green? Should I just throw caution to the wind and wear gold instead? Ask Ms. Granger WMD? (What Would Muggles Do) Please advise.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Honestly must you write me on what color body glitter to wear? And what kind of man wears body glitter any way? I personally would go with silver to accent your hair and eyes. Miss Granger agrees with my decision.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Master Potions Severus Snape.

Hogwarts Castle.

I had read many of your essays and compositions you published, and since my greatest desire have always been to be a Potion Mistress, I've gathered the courage to

write you and ask for an apprenticeship. The rumors say you're not an easy man to please when it comes to knowledge, but been the best in your field will make it worth it. Hope to live to your expectations (If you let me).

Sincerely,

Miss Eris Gaea.

* * *

Dear Miss Eris Gaea,

You show promise. My niece is already apprenticing under me. But I'm sure I could use one more apprentice. I'm a very busy man but I can teach you potions. You'll also learn how to teach my classes and you will help with those. Come to Hogwarts immediately. Beware of Albus D. our Headmaster, he is quite nutters.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape, Potions Master

* * *

Dear professor Snape

People can be idiots. To hurt someone just because they are different. What's the point? Well, that's not a question, merely a comment, but if you can answer it, I'll be very happy to hear your answer. By the way… Piercings...my God , Sev, has this therapy drove you over the edge of sanity(no offense). On the other hand, a few weeks ago, you would never have let me do your hair. Nor would you be performing in front of an entire school... Be careful. Sev, your Gryffindor is showing. Maybe Albus knows what he is doing? Also, can you foxtrot?

-Dell

* * *

Dear Dell,

Well, there are many idiots in the world. I wish there was something to deter Black and Potter…hmm so far not even the Bloody Baron can keep them away. And more and likely the therapy has driven me over the edge. I haven't completely been myself in quite awhile. But I'm still snarky which is good. And I have no Gryffindor in me! How can you insinuate such a thing? Not to mention I happen to like the piercings…a bit unconventional but interesting none the less.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.S. I'm a very good dancer, though I can't say I've ever learned the foxtrot.

* * *

Dear Severus,

Put on my hot pants from our band days to reminisce. Thought they might look smashing with the forest green poet shirt I received from Draco. Figured it would be a hit at the Ball. Seem to have miscalculated however...seems hot pants have shrunk. Cannot remove. Narcissa cast a removal charm that, instead of removing hot pants, removed my testicles instead. Don't understand what she found so laughable about situation that she peed in her new muggle Donna Karan suit. Please advise on hot pants removal and testicle retrieval. Also advise on suitable revenge.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

How do you get yourself into these predicaments? An easy way to remove the pants would have been a seam splitting charm, honestly man! Narcissa probably had a laugh because you officially are a girly man. I have enclosed a potion to re-grow your testicles. Good luck on that. How many men can say "You need to grow some balls," in a literal sense? As for a suitable revenge plot, how about you take away her Gringotts credit card?

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Rabastan and Bellatrix, eh? Well, I'm scarred for life just thinking about that now. I'll have to ask my mother about that some time. But you say that my uncle killed my father? Well, I can't say that I'm not entirely saddened about it—I hardly knew the man, after all. I have his last name, at times, but that appears to be it. Other times I just go by Jinx Eames and nothing else. Confusing, isn't it?

I saw Albus Dumbledore today, and he gave me the strangest look, and then commented that my hair was quite becoming to me. And then he offered me a bag of lemon drops. I was so frightened that I practically ran away from him, knocking Dennis Creevy out of the way in the process. Poor boy. Oh well--I doubt he needed those teeth, anyways.

I've heard you had a band! I must say, that's rather surprising to me! I can play acoustic and my ex-boyfriend, who goes to Durmstrang, was teaching me the muggle electric over the summer, but I have yet to actually learn the official notes. I've brought my acoustic along with me to Hogwarts--I managed to get the signature of two of the three Weird Sisters upon it.

I saw your hair today during potions. Blue and black is quite fetching for you, and works rather well. I also heard that you're having problems with the piercing place you go to. I suggest "B.J.'s Custom Tattoos and Piercings" in London--he may be a muggle, but he does a decent job on it. He's the one who gave me my tongue stud and nose ring.

I hope you much luck with this Sylvia person--she sounds quite nice.

Until next time!

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Yes, Rabastan and Bellatrix. It was rather nauseating. But yes Rodolphus wasn't pleased what so ever. You carry your fathers and your mother's name. Don't be ashamed of your father's name. Not all of the Lestrange family was bad. In fact they were well respected before Rabastan and Rodolphus. Well there is nothing to about that now is there?

Yes Albus D. is quite insane these days. Don't eat anything he gives you! If he gives you more food, give it to Weasley or Potter, they will eat anything. Also you're probably right Dennis Creevy probably didn't need those teeth anyway, he had way to many in that mouth of his anyway.

Yes, did you enjoy the performance of our band last Monday? We enjoyed getting back together. Maybe once you learn the muggle electric guitar we'll let you jam with us.

As for the piercing place. I appreciate your recommendation. My niece went there to get her lip pierced, only Merlin knows why she'd want even more she has too many as it is, and she said the service was impeccable and that the guy was very nice and clean.

Yes, Sylvia is quite the woman, she is wonderful. We've had some issues but all has been resolved.

I look forward to hearing from you soon. By the way do you play quidditch? We are down a chaser so if you wish to try out I'll put your name on the list.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Master Snape Sir,

I is thinking sir is be interested to know Mr. Voldemort is not really dead, Sir. I is learning from Winky, sir, that sir's Master is having nine Horcruxes, not six. One is being a bottle of shampoo. Two is being dead Mr. Black's dog collar, and three is being the hot-pink plot bunnies havesing mad hot hot-pink plot bunny sex, sir.

I is hoping Master Snape sir is telling this to Wonderful Master Harry Potter the Most Greatest wizard who ever lived. And to Master Albus, the barmy codger.

I's is almost forgetting: I and Winky is thinking your blue hair is sexy, sir. Is sir willing to meet us at the top of the Astronomy Tower tonight?

With love,

Dobby.

P.S. Winky sayses bring butterbeer.

* * *

Dear Dobby and Winky,

I appreciate the tip on Voldemort. Potter has already set to work finishing the over grown snake off. And what in Merlin's name are plot bunnies, whatever they are they seem indecent.

And no I will not join you and Winky in the astronomy tower. However I will tell Potter to meet you there, I'm sure you will find him much sexier than myself. However I included a pair of socks for you Dobby and a case of butterbeer for Winky. I hope you enjoy the gifts.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Sir, I'm really, really, really sorry to have to bother you like this, but I can't find my Head of House anywhere and Professor Dumbledore is really busy with...ah..."important things" he says he needs to do. Therefore, since my problem has to do with a person in your House, I feel that I must inform you about it. Sir...Crabbe is stalking me...

He is really scaring me to death. I can't even go to the bathroom anymore. Every time I turn around, there he is, staring at me with this "I'm stalking you" look on his face. Sir, I am very paranoid already and he is only making it worse. I would really appreciate it if you could please tell him to stop.

Sincerely,

Helena Nightsky

* * *

Dear Miss Nightsky,

It is not your fault so no need to be sorry. Crabbe has been efficiently handled. He will no longer bother you. If he comes hear press the button on the remote control I enclosed with the letter. When you push the button it will give a jolt of electricity to Crabbe. I do hope this helps. Send an owl or see me in my office if he persists.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Snivellus,

We call you Snivellus because we call you Snivellus(DUH!)What did you think! Maybe your slimy hair affected your brain.

Prongs would like to add,"ARGH! YOU DATED LILY! HOW DARE YOU! YOU EVIL UGLY SMELLY REVOLTING PEA BRAINED FAT SLIMY SNIVELLING GIT! YOU JUST WAIT TILL I GET YOU-"

JAMES POTTER! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT BULLYING SNAPE!...SO WHAT IF I DATED HIM! THAT IS NONE OF YOUR STUPID BUISNESS! IF I CATCH YOU BULLYING SNAPE AGAIN, I WILL HAVE SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT OUR MARRIAGE!IS THAT UNDERSTOOD!" Lily punches James in the head and...Knock Out! Sirius splits his sides from laughing and rolls around the floor snorting with laughter.

Ten minutes later when James is conscious

Sirius would like to say that,"YOUR HAIR WILL NEVER BE AS SEXY AS MINE! MY HAIR HAS WON THE "BEST WIZARD HAIR AWARD", ENGLAND'S WIZARDS' HAIR COMPETETION AND 10 MORE!"

We would both like to state that, Prongsie and Paddyfoot know that old Snivelly is having an affair with Fudge. We are disgusted that you are cheating on Fudge with Remus. SHAME ON YOU! We always knew you were a two timer. By dating you.

We want to say that your love with Remus won't last because Remus deserves so much better. Remus should not go out with a two timer. And we know you are gay. If you ever marry Remus, you should let James be the best man.

No! Let me, Sirius, be the Best Man.

No! James!

No! Sirius!

James!

Sirius!

James!

Sirius!

ARGH! I'VE HAD IT ENOUGH WITH YOU TWO! STOP BULLYING SNAPE!...WAIT. SNAPE IS DATING REMUS! HOW DARE YOU, SEVERUS SNAPE! I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU! HOW CAN YOU DATE MY FRIEND AFTER DATING ME! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! I WILL KILL YOU, YOU SLIMBALL, YOU-" James and Sirius mutter,"Who's the one bullying snape, now?

Lily knocks out both of them

Screaming at you forever,

Lily Evans Snape Potter

Haunting you forever,

James Potter and Sirius Black

* * *

Potter, Black, and Lily,

Lily: Of course I'm not dating Remus. I'm not gay! I'm dating Sylvia Sinistra, don't you remember her from Hogwarts? She was that one Ravenclaw girl that you used to be friends with. Anyway I'll have a soft spot for you Lily, and no I don't mean that in a romantic sense considering you are married and I'm involved with someone. Please knock some sense into Potter and Black.

Potter: Yes I dated your wife. But that was like 18 years ago. And once again I'm not gay. I'm also not dating Remus. And I hope Lily beats you into a coma.

Black: You only won those hair contests when you were alive. However I'm known to have the best hair. Get over it Black!

S.S.

* * *

Dear Professor Snape

Cluck like a chicken every time I try to talk. Nice. I must admit, that is fairly evil. I admit, I was particularly mad when I tired to talk after reading your letter. Dell had a good laugh at me, and told me perhaps I should quit while I was ahead. Well, of course I wouldn't do that.

Albus D. should be almost normal by now. Well, he basically had his brain reset, so he will be a little off for a few days. Keep him away from flashing lights.

Now, here's the very funny thing. After hearing about what happened to you and Sylvia, I was going to give you a break. I had a comforting charm placed on a letter, ready to send. I was thinking Poor guy, after all this, he doesn't need more grief... At least not for a while... but once I started clucking like a chicken! Forget that!

Dell told you all about Rannma , right? As far as I hear, its a good anime.

Guy turns into a girl when he touches cold water, has to touch hot water to turn back. Fun right? Well I wouldn't know, but you will. I'm sure it wont be too bad. Maybe one day I'll tell you how I pulled this one off. Limit? I'll remove it when you beg.

Later!

Helen A.K.A Evil Incarnate

P.S. I hope Peeves doesn't find out about this lol.. Wonder if I can contact

Potter and Black with peeves water bombs of doom ( Muhahahahaha).

* * *

Dear Helen,

I'm sorry to have angered you. You had to know I would retaliate for that potterpuff thing. Honestly, I didn't mean it in a bad way. I wish to call a truce. You've humiliated me enough for awhile now. Now I will not retaliate against your current prank. I don't wish to beg for to be turned back to normal, but if I must I will speak to you in private. Write back with your answer.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

What do you mean you don't think Nott would be pleased?

CoCo

* * *

Dear Miss Romanoff,

Well what I mean is that Theodore Nott, aka Theo, quite fancies you. And when he read the letter he practically growled at me and told me to get uglier. Oh well.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

I had been hoping to respond to your reply sooner, but mid-semester exams have kept me busy (and hospitalized) for a few weeks. It's a shame that students nowadays are so . . . careless with the concoction of potions. Don't they realize that it's a highly delicate process that needs to be approached in a mature matter?

I must say I am impressed with the use of potions as airborne agents in the defeat of Voldemort. I had thought it might be possible, but when one of my seventh year students wanted to do his final composition on the subject, I felt the need to verify that it could actually be done.

One thing did happen to catch my attention in your response to my letter. You mentioned that we had been trained around the same time, and I spent a year studying in England, but I have trouble remembering names and faces.

I remember taking courses with an astounding young man, extremely gifted in potions and defense against the Dark Arts, but I can't remember (for the life of me) what his name was. He was intelligent, charming, but had a bit of a dark streak in him (personally I find that attractive in a man) . . . anyway . . . He made such an impression on me because he and I would challenge each other to "Potion Offs". I know it sounds silly, but if my students had half the dedication he did my job would be a great deal easier.

Yours Truly,

Alexis

* * *

Dear Alexis,

Oh I hope you are ok. Those examinations sound excruciating. Students are really careless with the art of potion making. It truly is a shame.

Yes, we did train around the same time. I do believe I am the young man you speak of. I have fond memories of you actually. And yes, I'm sure I do have quite the dark streak, but what pureblood raised by a pureblood nazi doesn't?

I do hope we can meet for lunch one day and catch up. Owl me with a date and time.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N How did everyone like this chapter? It took me sometime to get the motivation…and not to mention to get in character. My friend Dell is the one who helps me get in character with our lovely RPG chats. Well I hope this chapter was good for everyone. Please send in your letters!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	13. Batch 13

A/N I'm so pleased with how Letters to Snape is doing! I hope everyone likes this chapter! I've finally hit my 100 reviews. I'm sorry it's taken so long but my cousin, who is basically like my little sister, was in a very bad car accident. She just got home from the hospital recently and I was with her there the whole time. Thankfully she is going to be just fine! So now I can get the chapter out. Also a new boyfriend will take up some of my time but I will still try to get my chapters out rather quickly but if I'm late you can yell at my honey Steve!

No, I still don't own Severus. But I do own Fred Weasley he will be mine forever!

Batch 13

* * *

You don't really have to beg, Professor Snape. I'm happy enough to know that I WON! I will be sad to have lost a test subject. I am a scientist, and my pranks, though they seem like pranks, are actually part of a higher purpose. I was mad about the chicken thing because I had a job interview down in Hogsmead, and because I could only cluck like a chicken. It went badly...erm.. To be honest, this spell was highly experimental... you have to clean out your nose, or rather, shock it with something.. You know, like a bad smelling potion. Or you could try going for a swim. Chlorine water up the nose is nasty... (yuck) if these don't work, I am working on a potion right now that should work.

Enclosed is a pendant that is an invention of mine. It gives off a high pitched noise that is only audible on one level, the level that ghosts operate on. Hope this takes care of your ghost problem.

-Helen

* * *

Dear Helen,

Yes you won. I've come to terms with it. I was able to rid myself of your hex by going swimming at Malfoy Manor. You know Lucius has an indoor pool and he was nice enough to let me use it. Your idea inspired some of my own which I plan to use on Albus D. for some fun. Unfortunately Albus D. won't ever be the same…but he is rather entertaining. Anyway thanks for the pendent. I'll be sure to use it next time I see Potter or Black. Well I must go for now. I look forward to talking to you later, which I'm sure I will.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Pro. Snape,

Theo doesn't like me. We are best friends. He can't like me. I mean I am ugly and ugly. Theo would never like me. He likes girls like Pansy. I am not a slut. He can't like me can he?

COCO

* * *

Dear Miss Romanoff,

I'm sorry I got the person wrong. It wasn't Mr. Nott that fancies you. No I believe it was Malcolm Baddock. And I know you aren't a slut and I wouldn't infer that about one of my students…except for Miss Parkinslut…ahem…Parkinson.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I have never played on an actual quidditch team before, but during the summer break my neighbors and I have been known to play before. I would absolutely love to try out for the team, though I don't know if my Cleansweep will be up to par. My mother owes me a birthday present--I shall write to her and see what can be done about that.

I love your band's performance! I was head banging so much that night that the morning after I had an absolutely splitting headache and had to go to Madame Pomfrey for something to relieve the pain. But it was worth it--rocking out always is. I received many comments about my pink hair that night as well--I had been doubting as to whether or not I was going to keep it before, but now I have no qualms about it!

When I begin to get better at my guitar playing, I shall see what can be done about jamming with you. Looking forward to it, though I don't know how pleased my mum will be about it. She's a very old-fashioned woman, after all. Tell me...what was she like during her school days? She refuses to answer me about it.

I've heard that you've got some haunts about you, calling themselves Potter and Black. Isn't there something that you can do to rid yourself of them? I've got a very distant uncle on my mother's side who is a muggle priest--perhaps he can perform an exorcism for you? I can ask, if you'd like.

No problem about the piercing place--B.J. said I get ten percent off my next piercing if I recommend people to him. If you ask, he'll probably give you the same deal. Once I recommend two more people, I can get my lip pierced again for only twenty dollars.

Who is this niece that you speak of, by the way? She sounds interesting, and I find myself wondering if I know her. I must say--it's hard to miss someone with piercings at this school.

By the way...Theodore Nott seems to have taken a rather...ah...unhealthy interest in me. He has put so many notes into my books that I can't even close them properly anymore. Every time I exit a classroom, he's there waiting for me. Not to mention he keeps trying to take my hand in the hallway. It's rather...weird, to say the least. I don't even know him or what he's like. Any suggestions on how to deal with him?

Awaiting a response,

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx,

I'm sure you'll do just fine when you try out. I'm sure if you can't manage a firebolt Draco can loan you one of his until you can get your own of course. I'll sign you up immediately.

Yes, that performance was magical, no pun intended, and I hope that we can do it again soon. I will speak with Lucius and Nicodemus about it. As for your hair I quite like it. The color works with your complexion just as blue works with mine!

As for your mother, I don't remember much about her. She was rather beautiful. She was nutters for Rabastan. She left during 7th year, assuming that's when she became pregnant, and I never saw her again. Rabastan never deserved her. She was quite the interesting woman. She wasn't brilliant when it came to classes but she wasn't like Crabbe or Goyle who probably don't even know that their wands are used for more than picking their noses. Anyway I got along with your mother. She was the only one who really knew about me dating Lily Evans. I do hope she and I will be friends again.

Yes I do have some rather annoying ghosts pestering me. But a student of mine named Helen, who is a brilliant scientist, fixed my problem. Thanks for your offer though…if the problem persists I'll take you up on it.

I don't think I'll be getting anymore piercings. My nipples are good enough for me. However my niece will gladly try and get the deal from B.J.

Yes my niece is Flair Verona. She is my apprentice. She graduated last year. Of course she was a Slytherin. I'm sure you met her. Her best friends being myself and Draco. Granted she believes in all this inter-house unity so she is friends with most of the Gryffindors as well. In fact I do believe she is engaged to marry Fred Weasley…if they haven't had another fight. Oh you never know. And she does have many piercings. She is quite eccentric but that makes her interesting. At least that's what Miss Granger says.

Yes, I've noticed Theo Nott's obsession with you. He is quite taken. He isn't a man of words so I'm sure this is his way of trying to express his feelings for you. He is not a bad guy. My niece says he is quite the looker too. Try talking to him and get to know him. Then tell me how it goes.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

To: Severus Snape

From: Pooping on the potions master

Location: Destroying Snape's hair products stash!

Hello, corroded bastard. I can't believe you failed me on my Potions Exams! I am one of the most intelligent students in my House! Far smarter than your current left scrotum sack licking Draco Malfoy! What a total ass kisser! If you ever fail me again, I will poison your hair grease!

* * *

Dear Crotch Stain,

Why aren't students creative anymore? My hair care products are tightly guarded by something I'm sure you wouldn't be able to pass so this was a pathetic lie. Anyway obviously you weren't smart if you failed my exam. Best try harder next time.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. This is Draco Malfoy; I don't appreciate being called a scrotum sack licker. My girlfriend has enclosed her best hex. I do hope you make it to the hospital wing.

* * *

Dear Severus,

Oh yes, I am quite well. There was only one explosion during a fifth year final, but it was bad enough that it caused every person in the dungeon at the time to spend a week in the Hospital Wing. Needless to say that particular student is not returning to my class, the dimwitted dolt.

After looking back over our brief correspondence (and the various other "fan

letters" you have responded to), I should have come to the realization sooner that you were the young man that I trained with. I'm glad that the memories you had of me are fond, remembering our time in training together is one of the few things that keeps me from attempting to kill off my inept students.

Although I shouldn't say things like that, because I fear Headmaster Notar and Albus Dumbledore are close friends and he might, ahh, prescribe the same treatment for me. Needless to say I shudder at the thought.

Hmm, pureblooded dictator parents. You love to hate them. I can personally thank my mother for the evil streak that she created in me.

I would quite enjoy meeting with you for lunch some time and take some time to catch up. How does Saturday at 11:30 sound?

Yours Truly,

Alexis

* * *

Dear Alexis,

I'm glad to hear you are alright. This dimwit you speak of sounds a bit like a student of mine named Neville Longbottom. I wonder if they are some how related…

I'm also glad you have fond memories of me. And I'm glad I keep you from going to Azkaban for killing your students. I'm really glad that we have met again. It would be great to share potion research with someone as well educated as myself.

Yes, Albus D. is friends with the headmaster at your school. Although Albus D. seems to be a bit…insane at the moment so worry not about what he will say. And I can't say I blame you for not wanting the same treatment. It's horrible. Although I have to say it is rather good for me.

Yes, pureblooded dictator parents. It was horrible trying to put up those totalitarian prats my whole life. Thankfully they are both dead. And I'm sure you do have quite an evil streak. I'm sure you'd be a Slytherin.

Yes Saturday at 11:30 sounds great. Would you mind meeting at the Three Broomsticks in Hogsmeade?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Thank you very much for the remote. I got to use it as soon as I got your response because he was watching me open my mail. I must admit, it was pretty funny watching him get electrocuted (my friend was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe properly and kept begging me to do it again), but I hope he's not hurt too badly. I wonder if I'm going to get in trouble for that...

He has left me alone for the rest of the week, but I'm not sure if that's going to last. I don't mean to be rude, but he's not very bright. I wish I knew why he was doing it in the first place...oh well, I guess that's one thing I don't have to worry about for a while. Now all I have to do is to study for my exams and to try to ask Professor Dumbledore if I can have my iPod back...

I'm very sorry to cause trouble for you. Thank you once again for helping me.

Sincerely,

Helena Nightsky

PS: I've heard that you've received a letter from a "desperate housewife".

Please don't tell me that's my mother...

* * *

Dear Miss Nightsky,

I'm so glad that my little idea worked. Trust me he isn't hurt. But I'm sure he is rather confused. The jolt is not of dangerous proportions so no need to worry about that. And you won't get in trouble. Albus D. is rather barmy and doesn't care too much right now.

I also procured your iPod back. It is enclosed in this letter. As for the desperate housewife, well I'm pretty sure she wasn't your mother…but I am not really sure either.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Snivellus,

We both know you're gay, so you don't need to deny it. Sirius would like to add that his name is in the Best Hair of the 20 & 21st Century of the Wizarding World and "The History of Beautiful Hair" while Snivellus was in none. He also-

Lily storms over.

"SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU DATE MY BEST FRIEND!

YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS LOVE ME! WE EVEN HAD AN AFFAIR WHEN I WAS WITH JAMES! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HOPE YOU AND SYLVIA DIE! YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH MAN IN THE UNIVERSE. IT'S ONE THING TO DATE MY BEST FRIEND BUT IT'S ANOTHER WHEN YOU'RE DATING REMUS, TOO! NOT TO MENTION YOU'RE DATING FUDGE! THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! DON'T YOU DARE COME CRAWLING BACK WHEN THEY REJECT YOU! I'VE INCLUDED A CURSE THAT IS UNAVIODABLE! I HOPE YOU DIE!"

Lily runs off sobbing.

James runs after her and yells," YOU HAD AN AFFAIR WITH HIM! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! YOU COW! THAT'S IT! YOU'VE BEEN TREATING ME AND SIRIUS LIKE DIRT! I WANT A DIVORCE!"

Lily cries even more

Sirius shakes his head sympathetically at them. He would like to add," This Sylvia Sinistra sounds hot. I think I dated her once. When she dies, she's gonna be mine. She wants me so bad. I can feel it."

Anyway, we all agree that you stink.

Stealing women from you for eternity,

Sirius Black

Hating you forever,

James Potter

Attempting to kill you forever,

Lily Evans Snape Potter

* * *

Dear Potter, Black, and Lily,

Black: Honestly it seems you are most stubborn when it comes to me telling you I'm straight. I'm beginning to think you may have a crush on me. Honestly how many men are that obsessed with their hair? And don't say Lockhart because we both know he swings both ways. But I must inform you, once again, that I fancy women. And as I told I'm really quite taken with Sylvia.

Potter: I actually wish to apologize about having an affair with Lily, while you two were married. No matter how much I hate you I was still wrong. And I don't stink…at least I don't think I do.

Lily: Honestly I'm not gay! However I do love Sylvia. She means the world to me. I'm sorry it seems as if I've betrayed you. But rest assure I'm not with Remus or Fudge…if you haven't noticed I keep trying to have Fudge killed. And about Remus, well he seems to be rather happy with Nymphadora Tonks, I'm sure you know her considering she is Black's cousin. I'm not pleased with the curse you sent my way…it hurt badly. I suggest that if you love Potter then you should crawl back to him and beg for forgiveness.

S.S.

* * *

Darling Sevie-Sugarmuffin,

I don't care how many times you say you loathe me. Deep inside, you know you want me in bed. And I know you'll always love me with your heart, big-boobs. I read about how you were having sex with that good for nothing werewolf and Sylvia Sinistra. I know you are trying to make me jealous because you hate the fact that Gilderoy Lockhart wants me. Well, the jealousy is working, honeybunch.

I have great news for you, love: I announced to all the Wizarding Community in the world that we are in love! I told them about what big breasts you have and loads more things. You can read everything I said in every wizarding magazine. I hope you like what I said...

Sylvia Sinistra was found sobbing in the ministry bathroom. But you can thank me later for getting rid of her. Now that the whole wizarding world knows we're

together, how about a date. My treat.

Waiting for your response,

Your darling Cornelius.

* * *

HORRIBLE FAIRY,

I HATE YOU! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! FIRSTLY I DON'T HAVE BIG BREASTS! I WILL KILL YOU FOR HURTING SYLVIA THIS WAY! I HOPE YOU LIKE THE ARTICLES I PUT IN THE DAILY PROPHET. I WROTE ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU'VE BEEN STALKING ME AND HOW MUCH I LOVE SYLVIA. YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS. AND YOU WILL DIE PAINFULLY.

I HOPE YOU TURN INTO A ROTING CORPSE,

SYLVIA'S MAN

* * *

Savory Severus,

Albus D in da house yo! How's it hangin' Sev man? Heard 'bout the nipple piercing... hehehehe. I like pie. Hm time to pop out the lemon drops although they kinda give me the plops hehehehehehe that rhymes.

Curtains forever

Albus D.

p.s Goo goo ga ga!

* * *

Dear Albus D.,

Savory? You've lost your mind old man! You've gone barmy, not to mention randy. I do hope you get help soon. Have fun terrorizing the school.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.S. I enclosed some wool socks for you…I've noticed you stopped wearing clothes and couldn't help but think that would make you rather cold.

* * *

Dear Master Potion Master sir,

Winky and me is truly enjoying master's gifts, sir. We is thanking you from the

bottoms of our heartses. We is also wishing to state that Wonderful Harry Potter is busy fighting Mr. Dark Lord Voldemort sir and is not as attractively handsome as you, sir, anyway. Sir.

We has payed homage to our most attractively handsome master sir, sir, by the

following ways:

1. We is tied Master Harry Potter up very tight in an abandoned field full of

wild beasts. And Master Gilroy Lockhart. Sir.

2. We is taken the Barmy Codger Master Dumbledore to St. Mungos and file papers making you the new Master Headmaster, sir.

3. We is assasinated Mr. Fudge, sir.

4. We is bringing you chocolate and roses and a fountain of butterbeer and violins and other good things. They is being in the Great Hall for your dinner, sir. We is locked everyone else out.

5. We is vandalized Mister Potter and Mister Black's living quarters in the world of the undead, sir. All their portraits now features you, sir, at your most attractiveness. They is being very angry, sir, but Lily is looking quite amused and winking at several of the portraits.

6. We is arranged with the musical people for you to have your own theme song.

7. And we is fixed your desk with a button to removes any idiot you pleases from your class by many interesting ways like them falling down a trapdoor, being

blasted across the grounds into the lake, and many more. We is hoping you is approving these signses of undying devotion, sir. We is also hoping you is joining us in the Astronomy tower or other place you choose tonight, sir.

-Dobby

P.S. Winky says bring butterbeer.

P.P.S. Plot bunnies is being what happens in the shower to writers, sir.

* * *

Dear Dobby,

I appreciate everything. Though I do hope Mr. Potter is ok. It's not very nice to trap him with Lockhart. That is a fate worse than death. Like I said I love all the gifts, especially Fudge's death, but I can't sleep with you or Winky. I'm devoted to Sylvia. Also, thanks for telling me what plot bunnies are…that's what my niece speaks of!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape

You do have Gryffindor in you, just like I have Slytherin in me. I mean, to say that you are ALL Slytherin, does that mean you view things as being black and white, with no shades of Gray?

From the sounds of things with Lily, Black and Potter, and the way things are going now with your letters, I think maybe you had a very bad communications barrier. I suggest a mediator. More then that, Black and Potter and Idiots. I thought that when you died, you would lose that part of human condition.. Ah well. Also, Black can brag about his hair all he wants, becuase A) your alive, He is not B) his hair is probably dust by now and C) your hair is awesome now. And finally, and don't kill me for asking this, but. Did you EVER sleep with some form of stuffed animal?

-Dell

P.s- what kind of dance DO you know?

* * *

Dear Dell,

Of course I'm sure I am the mixture of other houses, but do you blame me for trying to deny that? Honestly who wants to know they have Hufflepuff in them?

As for Lily, Black, and Potter, well I've attempted to straighten things out. Well as straight as they can get…or as straight as myself.

Well, I did have a stuffed animal. I didn't sleep with him, considering he had his own bead. But he was a little stuffed bear and he was green and black. My parents strongly supported Slytherin. His name was Salazar. Ah I still have him. He sleeps on my mantle now.

As for the dances I know. Well I'm well trained at waltzing, Latin ballroom, and I can also do swing dancing. Also I am rather good at disco dancing.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Miss Severus Snape,

CONGRATULATIONS! You've won a lime green mini metro! To accept this fabulous prize please call 0800 901 234.

small print:

calls cost 8 galleons per minute. And wheels of car not included.

Dorothy's Dismal Deals

* * *

Dorothy's Dismal Deals,

Great, now I get spam mail. Honestly, I'm not a Miss. I'm a man you horrible woman! I will not call and I don't want a lime green mini thingy!

Severus Snape

* * *

Master Potions Severus Snape.

Hogwarts Castle.

It's a great honor for me to learn from you, Sir; I understand about your occupations and I'll value the time you'll put to take me under your wing. I'll be arriving as soon as posible...Today is fine with you, Master? Thanks for the reply…

Miss Eris Gaea.

P.S. I'll beware of Hogwarts Headmaster as you told me, I know he have a issue with lemon drops, and that kind of "attack" is to much for me...

* * *

Dear Miss Gaea,

I look forward to your arrival. I do hope you don't mind sharing living quarters with my niece. She is usually bugging me or with Mr. Weasley so she won't be a bother. Though I'm sure you'll get along well with her.

Sincerely,

Master Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape:

I have recently returned to London after fifteen years of exile in Botany Bay, and it is my mission to slay the two men who sent me there and rescue my daughter Johanna, who is now 16.

Unfortunately, my temper got the better of me yesterday and I slit the throat of a man who attempted to blackmail me. I intended to find some obscure place to stow the body but my good friend Mrs. Lovett, a pie maker, says that murder might help alleviate the high price of meat for her pies (if you know what I mean). I am uncertain of what to do and I would value your opinion in settling this matter.

Your obedient servant,

Sweeney Todd

* * *

Dear Sweeney Todd,

Well I'm all for your vendetta against the men who sent you into exile. But killing someone over blackmail? Honestly you seem a bit barmy. But I think you should do what you have to get your daughter. So do what you must.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Pleased to say we've been watching our mail quite intently. We received a rather ominous snuff box just yesterday that grew teeth when we tried to open it. Rima threw it in the trash bin just in time. So, you say a jealous boyfriend is behind these 'gifts'? Well, in retaliation and enclosed you shall find a particularly smashing picture of me nude and a pair of my very own silk boxers to give to your lovely niece. Tell her to display them prominently on her bedroom wall so that prat she's dating will have an honest to god reason for these pranks of his. Also enclosed is a jar of mutant lice. If ever you feel the...urge, please deposit the lice onto said boyfriend's head when he isn't looking. Or better yet...his underpants. I am quite displeased to still be finding canary feathers in our flat. Not that I blame you in any course, whatsoever.

And once again a note of thanks for the candy. I slipped one into Maggie's tart the other evening and when you say 'grow to gigantic proportions', you really MEAN that, don't you? As such, I haven't quite gotten around to bribing her into submission with the antidote. Purely because I am overcome with fits of the giggles whenever I approach her. Her tongue, I must tell you, grew to about 4 feet in length. She is presently wearing it wrapped around her shoulders like some great slimey pink scarf. Must be horribly uncomfortable...but it's worth it to see her trying to recite Shakespeare's works with that thing formerly called a tongue protruding from that maw of hers. Oh, and when Rima wasn't looking, I retrieved that snuff box from the trash bin and had someone in wardrobe stick it in Maggie's corset. Might explain the twitching this morning...only no one could understand what was the matter due to that tongue. Sounded like, "Simthn byten ma bregsts" Whatever THAT means.

Now that I think on it, you might well use those lice on your coworker. That is...if the urge strikes you.

Sincerely,

Alan

* * *

Dear Alan,

I gave my niece that interesting picture, and the boxers. She was thrilled and enlarged with photo to make it poster size. Let's just say her boyfriend is not pleased what so ever. Beware more gifts. The biting snuff box is just a little humor on his part. Start screening your mail extra careful from now on. I like the lice idea, but I think I'm going to use it on my co-worker instead or Albus D. I'm sure you can understand why. By the way I am dreadfully sorry about all of the feathers. Oh well, can't do anything about that.

I laughed, actually laughed, when I read what happened to your co-star. Now the part where you put the snuff box down her corset was absolutely delightful! You are quite imaginative. I can't see what happens when you give her my next gift. I have enclosed a box chocolates that should make her hair flash different neon colors every 10 minutes. Ah, this will be interesting. So until next time, take care and give my regards to Rima.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Severus,

Hope you enjoyed the ball. Sylvia is a delightful lady. And tell your niece's redheaded lout of a fiancé he better return the biting snuff box he stole from the Malfoy drawing room. That's been in my family for 2 centuries.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I had a wonderful time at the ball. I do like Sylvia myself. I asked my niece if she knew what her fiancé did with the snuff box. She didn't know. But I think I may know. I got a letter from my muggle pen pal Alan Rickman, he and his wife must be invited to the next ball, and he said that he and his wife received a biting snuff box. Unfortunately I'm not sure you can get it back. It's now stuffed down some irritating muggle actress' corset. Oh well. At least you know it's torturing someone.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N Well this is the end of chapter 13. I hope everyone read the author's note at the beginning. Now everyone please leave more reviews!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	14. Batch 14

A/N I'm so sorry this has taken me so long to get out. My personal life has truly been crazy. I'm just happy no one has sent threatening emails. Well enough of my rambling and on to Chapter 14 of Letters to Snape! Also as a side note, I'm going to be starting a new job that is four days a week that are 12 hours shifts. So I definitely won't be able to update often. But I refuse to kill this story!

You know I still don't own Sev, or any of the characters except for Flair Verona…well for obvious reasons.

Batch 14

* * *

Dear Sir,

I do not know whom I am speaking to, but I suspect you are aiding my coworker in planning my demise as an Actress. I would rather speak to you In Person, but I must resort to wasting my time writing this letter due to the fact that I have a slight inflammation of the tongue.

Let me make clear to you who I Am. I am DAME Margaret Natalie Smith Cross, and I am...if I may be humble, the Best Actress in England. Among my accomplishments, I have attended Oxford Playhouse School where I also worked as Assistant Stage Manager, worked for the Oxford University Dramatic Society, participated in the Edinburgh Theatre Festival, Made my first Broadway appearance at the Ethel Berrymore Theatre, have acted with the Old Vic Co, in 1990 received a DBE...that is...the equivalent to a Knighthood...for my theatre performances and contributions to The Stage, I have over 30 awards including 3 Golden Globes and 2 Oscars, and I have even had my biography written.

So you see...if you are indeed assisting my dear coworker ALAN in ruining my career, you Will Not Succeed. No one messes with Dame Maggie Smith and gets away with it.

Watch your back,

DAME MAGGIE SMITH

* * *

Dear Ms. Smith,

You sound like a pompous ninny. Just by this letter I can tell I don't like you. Also you have no idea what I am capable with Ms. Smith. I never make empty threats. By the way I've seen some of your films and I must say you are nowhere near as brilliant as Alan Rickman. Do keep trying dear! Good day.

Sincerest Threats,

S.S.

* * *

deer proffesur,

goyle took my homewurk and he hided it frum me. I askd Draco if he seeing it anywere but hes to buzy with that hermi...hermy...hermeeony or howevur you spel it. i took goyle broom to get evun. hahaha. and i rote 'POO' all over his homewurk.

can you make Draco beet him up for me?

sinseerly,

Crabbe

i tolded him you liked me bettur and he gotted jellus

* * *

Mr. Crabbe,

I do believe you are quite stupid. I've been meaning to tell you this for quite awhile. How do you manage to even get your homework done? Don't tell me Miss Greengrass helps you. Anyway you told on yourself about writing all over his homework so I'm afraid that's 15 points from Slytherin. Also I can't make Draco beat him up for you. However I can direct you to a nice special teacher who may be able to help you.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Professor,

I was wondering if I could come by your office for some salve in about an hour. I went to sit on one of the chairs in the Common Room earlier and accidentally sat on a broom and it went up my...well, anyway, it seems to be Goyle's. Don't know why he'd try to hide it in the chair like that. At any rate, some..friends...helped me take the broom out of my...well, anyway...and they removed most of the splinters too. I AM a bit chafed though, so wondered if I could get some salve from you.

A question for you, man to man...when say, you wink at someone you like and they look like they're going to vomit...is that them just playing hard to get? I think it is. Draco and Pansy are trying to tell me differently. But what do THEY know? I AM the Slytherin Sex God for a reason!

See you in an hour,

Blaise

P.S. I just found out that git Crabbe was the one that stuck the broom in the chair. He's going to pay. And Goyle is going to help me.

* * *

Dear Mr. Zabini,

I have the salve ready. You have my sincerest sympathy about what happened with the broom. Only Crabbe would be that dumb. Anyway about that person you um, admire. Everyone knows you fancy Ron Weasley. I must say Draco and Pansy are telling you correctly. But for all I know I could be wrong, indeed it doesn't happen often. Also I thought I was the Slytherin Sex God! I mean ever since I've gone to get that make over and such the girls keep trying to make my robes disappear and that sort. It's rather embarrassing. Why am I talking to you about these things? Anyway good luck getting Crabbe back. I shall see you soon.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Profess Sir,

Crabbe wroted POO all on my homewerk. Can I hand it in with POO all on it? Pleese don't make me do it all over. I had to skip brakefast to finish it in time. I'm starved and feel week. My broom also gone. I thinking he stoled it. Can you ask Draco to beat him up for me? I don't like Crabbe. He should have been in the Huffle Puff howse.

Sin Seer Lee

Gregory G

ps. Blaise said if I give Weasley funny looking chocluts, HE will beat up Crabbe. Why is Blaise wanting to give Weasley straw-berry smelling chocluts?

* * *

Dear Mr. Goyle,

Just hand in the homework. It will be accepted. Also I do believe your broom has been found. You should go talk to Blaise Zabini about your broom. Don't give Ron Weasley the chocolates. Just back away slowly and run!

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Delighted to hear from you yet again. Rima gives you her regards. She said she'd stop to write you a line or two, but she's at present battling what seems to be flying frogs in the kitchen. I know that sounds quite mad, but there you are. Seems your niece's beau didn't take kindly to the last items I sent for her. We had the mail slot covered, but imagine our shock at opening the ice box this morning to what looked like hundreds of frogs which immediately began flying around the kitchen. But that's all fine and well. Rima doesn't seem too terribly upset. If I do say so, she seems to actually be enjoying herself in there. The woman always had a strange infinity for amphibians and the like.

Glad your niece liked the photograph. Tell her to let me know if I can send her anything else. It would be my pleasure.

Now, in not so pleasant news, seems my coworker-The Bint-was rummaging in my dressing room and came across our correspondence. From what I understand, she sent you a letter. I can only hope that it wasn't too nasty or rude. On the bright side, I managed to bribe the wardrobe person to leave the chocolates you sent in Maggie's dressing room with an anonymous note that they were from 'A Secret Admirer'. All hell broke loose shortly afterwards on the set. There was The Bint, standing as regally as she could with her tongue slung over her shoulder...only a twitch here and there from that intriguing snuff box (which the wardrobe lady has informed me, attached itself to Maggie's left breast and absolutely cannot be dislodged), when out of nowhere her hair turned a wretched shade of neon orange, followed by neon lime green and then a neon blue. It gradually flashed colors faster and faster...much like the fairy lights we put on the Christmas tree every year...before it abruptly stopped. I, of course, was expecting it, so I made sure to avert my gaze a bit. The actor unfortunate enough to be standing next to her, a man by the name of Gary Oldman, was blinded by the first brilliant flash of color and proceeded to stumble off of the step he had been standing on, knocking into Maggie which sent her tongue flopping to the floor, which the director promptly tripped over and crashed into the lighting rigs. Mayhem? Yes. But entertaining nonetheless. I manage to contain myself up until Maggie went to stalk off to her dressing room, only she managed to trip over poor Gary who was curled up on the floor in the fetal position screaming he was blind...and proceeded to land on her own tongue. I must admit to dissolving into hysterical giggles in quite an unmanly fashion.

Now, away I must go. I intend to watch as the paramedics continue to pull shards of glass and dirt from Maggie's tongue. They've been at it for the last 4 hours or so. Gary seems to have gotten his eyesight back, thankfully.

Your friend,

Alan

PS-Thank you for making my day.

* * *

Dear Alan,

Well it seems as if you and Rima have your hands full. The frogs should be gone by the time you read this letter. Do send her my regards. I know this must be troublesome. Yes, my niece's beau isn't pleased the gifts. But she adores them. She wonders if you send her a picture of you from the movie Dogma. She says you are 'drop dead sexy' as the Metatron.

Let me say I did get a letter from that horrid co-worker of yours. She is quite the bint eh? Well I assure you I have something to amuse you even more so. I've enclosed a potion that will make her cluck like a chicken every time she tries to talk. The hair color won't wear off for quite some time. Now the biting snuff box is fantastic. It actually belongs to a friend of mine named Lucius. I'm sure Lucius doesn't mind that it is being used for a good cause such as this. Now as for Gary, well the poor bloke. My niece would love to have his autograph as well the girl is quite the movie buff. Anyway I wish I could have seen what that horrible Smith woman did. I bet it was reason for you to giggle quite unmanly.

Now just tell me if you want any more inventions. Also do send pictures of the paramedics picking the glass out, I bet those would be most humorous. Until next time!

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Professor Snivellus Snape-Git,

Go annoy someone else! I am tired of you breathing down the necks of other

people! If you want to threaten or annoy people, Go annoy Dumbledore. I don't

hate him or anything, but you were the one who called him a 'meddlesome old

fool'. I want you to go annoy Dumbledore so that we all get a chance to see you

lying dead on the floor due to Dumbledore's power:p

-Leader of the Anti Snape-Git revolt.

* * *

Wretched Individual,

Honestly why should I annoy Albus D. when he does a good job annoying everyone else?

Die,

GIT

* * *

Dear Greasy Haired Git,

Go and get a life.

Signed,

Your Worst Nightmare.

* * *

Fluffy Bunny,

Compared to the real nightmare that is Albus D. you are a fluffy bunny. Now can't you get more creative than greasy haired git?

S.S.

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Sorry to bother you, but I have some questions that are really bothering me...

1) Has Voldemort ever read the evil overlord list?

2) What's the difference between an inferious and your basic night of the living dead zombie?

-random Ravenclaw

* * *

Dear Ravenclaw,

To answer your first question I don't believe Voldemort ever read the list. It does sound rather amusing though. As for the inferious, it is just a re-animated corpse that is not in fact back from the dead but merely moved by magic. The living dead zombies are real zombies.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Woke up with residue of silver glitter in my eye and it has swollen up to size of a quaffle. Glitter must have gotten into bed clothes and I didn't notice it until 2 days after the fact. Hurts like a birthing hippogriff. Eye patch not covering entire swelling and it does NOT make me look like a swashbuckling pirate...which WOULD be acceptable. Please advise.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I just knew all that glitter was too much. I enclosed a potion to put on your eye to help with the swelling. Also I enclosed an eye patch with some lovely non-removable glitter. It's quite fetching.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Professor Snape:

Please make a habit of reminding people as gently as possible that you and I are two separate people who are not related at all. Lately I have suffered a barrage of being compared to you. I don't quite understand it. I am not potions master of a large wizarding school and you are not former king of England. And other than a vague similarity about the hair I look nothing like you. But the young lady who is kind enough to share her home with my family is absolutely nutters when it comes to drawing comparisons. Honestly, I do wonder if she finds anything truly unique about anyone, or if she matches everything with something else!

Also, I'm having some trouble with one of the other houseguests. His name is

Erik, and he seems to think he is of an entirely superior species, which is a bit of a laugh considering the fact that he wears a mask all the bloody time. And a wig. And a false ear! He's quite tragically disfigured under all that. I'd pity him if I wasn't forever on the verge of throttling him. I hope you will possibly be able to reason with him and get him to shut up and join the human race once in a while, as he is of similar turn of mind- dear God, I sound like the young landlady!

Loyaulte me lie,

Richard Plantagenet

PS- Being dead is far simpler than you might think.

* * *

Dear Mr. Plantagenet,

Well it seems you lead quite the interesting life. That Erik man you speak of sounds quite strange. I wouldn't have an idea of what to say to him. Maybe you could refer him to Albus D. As for our similar appearances I wouldn't know seeing as I've never really met you. But most fan girls who see a man with shoulder length black hair and a tendency to be a bit snarky can make those lame comparisons. I wish you luck with your endeavors.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Master Potions Severus Snape.

Hogwarts Castle.

You're to kind providing me with accommodations inside the castle, others

Masters in Potions do not so understand.

About your niece, I don't mind to share quarters at all, it'll be fantastic to create mischief from time to time, if the opportunity arise.

Miss Eris Gaea

P.S. I'll be arriving to Hogwarts in two hours from the reading of this letter.

Forgive me if this is an inconvenience.

* * *

Dear Miss Gaea,

I'm more than happy helping you out. I think you have wonderful potential. Also I'm sure you'll find plenty of mischief with my niece. She is quite the trouble maker. Not to mention her fiancé is a known prankster extraordinaire. Any way I'll be awaiting your arrival to show you your quarters. Also beware of Albus D. he likes to surprise visitors.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I've asked Draco, and he said I might borrow one of his own Firebolts for tryouts, since my mother is being a bit ornery about getting me one to have for my own. That's not much of a problem--I have a rich uncle who owes me a birthday present as well. Problem solved. Wish I was rich, though--it might make things easier.

I hope you can have another performance sometime soon--Hogwarts needs to rock out a little bit! Although it was more than a little disturbing to see Dumbledore walking down the hallway earlier, wearing sunglasses and leather pants...I shudder whenever I think of it...

So it was seventh year that my mother left because of her pregnancy? Well, that certainly does explain a lot about her--she's always nagging me about finishing school, and completely goes bonkers whenever she even thinks that a boy might like me. Honestly, to me she is extremely annoying at times. But I'm sure she would like to be friends with you again--I'll send her a letter explaining that you've opened up communication letters with others.

I'm thankful you're getting help with that ghost problem you've got. The offer still stands for a priest though, if you need one. And yes, I know who your niece is now! Quite the peircings she has there--I've always admired them. But until now, I never knew that she was your niece! How odd...

I'm having lunch with Theo Nott in a few minutes. Perhaps I shall get to know him--I know little about him, but he seems nice. If he tries to hold my hand though, I'm going to punch him. No joke.

Thanks for the advice!

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Well Draco told me he is letting you borrow his letting you borrow the firebolt. I'm sure you'll get your own at some point. I have no doubt you'll be a great addition to the team.

I'm really glad you enjoyed the performance. The band and I are planning to play again soon. We are writing a new song for the performance. As for Albus D. well he has lost his mind. The last time I saw him he thought he was Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. The man is nutters.

Yes your mother worries a great deal about you. I know she means well. I can't wait to get re-acquainted with your mother. She was quite nice in school and I'm sure she still is.

The problem with the ghosts is non-existent now. Things are much better now. As for my niece she says thank you for the compliments on her piercings. She takes great pride in them. She says she likes yours as well and thinks your pink hair is quite fetching. And yes well we didn't really advertise her being my niece too much during the war. I'm sure you understand why. But now the threat is over so it's ok.

Well do tell me how things go with Theo. He is quite an odd boy but very nice. He is also rather bright when it comes to potions. I'm sure things will go well.

Well until next time, I shall leave you. I'll see you soon!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Severus,

I will not be beating around the bushes, who is this Alexis you're exchanging letters with? May I remind you that I do not share?

I also think that we should meet somewhere else than at the top of the Astronomy Tower...The place is constantly watched by the two oddest house elves I've ever seen in my whole life.

The Room of Requirement will do nicely or perhaps the lake, I've always fancied swimming under the stars.

I forgive you for using one of Alan Rickman's most famous quotes, I've always had a soft spot for the man myself...You do correspond with him, don't you? Would it be possible for me to meet him? Do not fear, I have no romantic intentions for the man, just a great admiration.

Yours,

Sylvia

PS: I've always thought swimming suits were extremely uncomfortable...

* * *

Dearest Sylvia,

Alexis is but a mere colleague. Honestly she is but a friend.

Yes the Astronomy tower has become somewhat ruined. Those house elves are randy. The Room of Requirement sounds lovely. Also when it is warm the lake sounds wonderful, it's a good thing you don't like swim suits for I don't have one.

Yes Alan Rickman is a wonderful actor. I do correspond with him, I'm sure I can get you an autograph. He has been most generous with giving my niece autographs…and such. Well until later tonight!

Sincerely Yours,

Severus

* * *

Dear Mr. Snape,

Hi, I was wondering if you knew an Amy Snape? If you do let me know I have so very important news about her.

Cody-Laine Clawges

* * *

Dear Mr. Cody- Laine Clawges,

Amy Snape is my cousin. She is my Uncle's daughter. We are nearly the same age. What is this news you have?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape

Well, have I got a mouthful for you to hear… and Black, and, I suppose,

Sylvia… and Dumbledore...Well, Everybody should just hold onto their hats. You see, I had to do some digging through my family tree, and I found out some… rather interesting things.

First I have to point out some things I know about your family. I know you have two sisters, Serena is one I believe, and the other is…umm… sorry I am horrible with names… however, Serena is your eldest sibling, if I am correct. I believe that she is Also your half sister, her father was named Jason. Dumbledore had a thing with a certain person who will remain unknown. However, they had a son, Guess what is name was? Jason. So your half sister was Dumbledore's granddaughter. Upon further research, I found out that your sister, Serena, ran away from home at a young age, and fled to Canada. This is where Black comes in. Black, I believe, spent some time in Canada

after graduating from Hogwarts. I found out that he met a girl there, but had to return back to Britain with the rise of Voldemort. (Yes, I say his name) Anyhow, guess what the name of the girl he met was? Well, it was Serena. After Black left, when I believe he was sent to prison, Serena had a daughter, who went to Hogwarts, and became a prominent Slytherin. A prodigy. She became Helen, A.K.A Evil incarnate. So, in all technicality, you can Black are like, brothers in law. You two should stop fighting.

Well, you also spent some time in Canada. I believe that you were learning under some potions master there. Well, when you were there, did you not meet someone by the name of Delia? You were there for 2 years, and then returned London also because of the rise of Voldemort. A year later, Delia also had a baby girl. Her name was Dell. I already spoke to Flair about this, and she though I should mention it in my next letter, as it involves a lot of people. You may need some time to digest this all before you can answer more letters. So, I will speak to you soon.

Dell –

* * *

Dear Dell,

Thank you for the information. I've come to terms with your letter. It took a lot of fainting and talking to get through it. Thankfully Flair helped me out. I don't know what's worse being related to Black or Albus D. I'm actually quite happy to have you as a daughter even if you are a Gryffindor. I'm upset I never knew about you while you were growing up. But your mother rejected me because I was a wizard. I'm sure you realize that now though. Well I look forward to getting to know you more. On a side note Flair can't be more excited about you and Helen being related to us. She says it's awesome. I agree. Helen is quite an addition to the family, as are you! Good bye for now.

Sincerely,

Your Father

* * *

Hello! Hi! Hey! Howdy! Bonjour! Oi! Hola!

Oh somebody's got their knickers in a twist! (Don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about Mr. My-Favorite-Shop-Is-Slippery-Nipple) And anyway, what's your point? Everybody knows I'm barmy. Why can't we all just love each other for who we really are? Unite and adore each other? Hold hands and skip through the forests naked and smiling? Well I'll leave you to consider it Sevvie dude.

An I ope yu an silva an cornelus an remas ar werree appie togeva.

Oh sorry I was sucking on a lemon drop, what I meant to say was I hope you and Sylvia and Cornelius and Remus are very happy together.

Your buddy-pal,

Albus D yah!

P.s Cheers for the socks man! Although I kind of only needed one. If you know what I mean (nudge nudge wink wink)

* * *

Dear Albus D.,

My knickers are not in a twist! I am not sleeping with Remus or Cornelius. I'm just with Sylvia. You my old friend are insane. The next time I see you I'm hiding your lemon drops. And who told you about my shopping at The Slippery Nipple? I'm glad you liked the socks, however I did not need that extra tid-bit of information. I'm sure I'll see you around you randy old coot.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.s. Are you some sort of hippie now?

* * *

Snivellus,

We KNOW you are gay so, don't deny it! Sirius would like to add," I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON YOU, YOU PATHETIC GREASE HEADED SNOT NOSED SMELLY HEAD! AND I NEVER WILL...Wait, unless you WANT me to have a crush on you! EW! Isn't Fudge and Remus enough! You should go to Azkaban for being an oversexed grease head! You disgust me! By the way, I asked Sylvia out and she said YES."

James would like to add," Apology accepted. I can't believe I'm writing this but, I want to thank you for getting her out of my face. She's been treating me and Sirius like dirt ever since we were married and I'm sick of it. We are getting a divorce. Good luck with Sylvia.

Lily demands to add that," THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, SNIVELLUS SNAPE! IF YOU HADN'T GONE OUT WITH SYLVIA, REMUS OR FUDGE, I WOULDN'T HAVE BLOWN UP LIKE THIS AND JAMES AND I WOULDN'T BE GETTING DIVORCED! I HATE YOU! I CANNOT BELIEVE WE WERE EVER MARRIED EVEN FOR 2 DAYS! I HATE YOU AND SYLVIA! TELL HER FROM ME TO DIE! I HATE YOU, SNIVELLUS! I'M GLAD THE HEX HURT YOU! I'VE SENT ANOTHER ONE AND YOU'LL BE ROLLING AROUND IN PAIN AS YOU READ THIS! I HOPE SYLVIA'S WITH YOU THEN, SHE'LL BE IN PAIN TOO! I-"

James snatches the pen out of her hands and adds," I apologize for her behavior.

She's crazy." Lily sees this and attacks James. Sirius rushes to James aid. Two dead healers run towards them and take Lily to Mental Hospital for Wizards.

Yours Sincerely,

James Potter

Taking Sylvia away from you,

Sirius Black

Screaming and attempting to kill you forever,

Lily Evans Snape Potter

* * *

Dear Black and James,

Black: I don't think you can take Sylvia away. Why would she want a dead guy when she can have me? I told Sylvia what you said and this is her reply "Why would that pompous ghost think I'd go out with him? I prefer men not girlie men." So there you go Black your move. By the way you should know by now that you are technically my brother in law. It's weird I know but true. I'm willing to call a truce with you. It doesn't mean we have to be totally nice to each other but a truce indeed.

James: I'm happy I seemed to have helped you. You see this therapy has been good for me. Now I do hope you know I'm not seeing Remus or Fudge. I do feel sorry for Lily she seems a bit cracked. Although I'm sure the dead healers will take great care of her.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Darling Seviepoo,

I know you love me, so you don't need to deny your love for me to the wizarding world. I will accept the things you told the reporters as your sign of love. Otherwise, if you don't love me, why would you bother talking to the daily prophet?

And when you wrote that you will kill me for hurting Sylvia, I took it that you want me to be even more jealous. Don't worry, I will send some of my aurors to kill her, and then, we will be free to love each other publicly. Those good-for-nothing house elves, Winky and Dobby tried to kill me the other day. I am sure that you have tears of joy in your eyes as you are reading that I am perfectly fine. They only knocked me out for a several seconds and then that house elf, Blinky or Winky tried to sleep with me. I must say that I was rather tempted but I remembered that I am yours, so I mustn't betray your trust.

Anyway, I must attend a meeting. I will be over tonight, so we can sleep together.

From your darling Cornelius...X

* * *

Festering Wound Upon Mankind,

First your aurors are no longer working for you. You see you are no longer the minister of magic. You are just some randy old fairy. You'd have better luck with Winky. No matter what you think you will never have my love or anyone's except for maybe Winky or Umbridge. As soon as you are done reading this letter you will notice a very large group of aurors and St. Mungo's healers are coming to restrain you. You will be kept in a cell that is impossible to break out of. Goodbye!

Sincerest Hopes For Your Demise,

S.S.

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I would like to thank you for getting my iPod back for me. I really don't know what has gotten into Professor Dumbledore lately. I turn my back on it for five minutes one day and then find him running off with it (klepto...). When I tried to confront him about it later, he looked kinda...high...so I decided not to bother him. I wonder what's in those lemon drops of his... Well sir, I hate to bother you about this, but I'm afraid to say that Crabbe has started stalking me again. I would use the remote, but my friend "Daru-chan" has used it on him so much for her own personal amusement that he seems to have developed an immunity to the effects. I swear, sir, he tried to follow me into my common room one day. I seriously think that guy is going to kill me in my sleep. Oh, and about my mother, that wasn't her. Thank God. She's not really a "housewife" (well, she's also a widow, actually), but I would definitely call her "desperate". Her behavior embarrasses me and I think she scares most of the guys she pursues.

Well, anyway, thank you again!

Sincerely,

Helena Nightsky

PS: Mr. Fudge found out that I'm one of the people who write letters to you and he asks about you constantly. He is almost as bad as Crabbe when it comes to stalking people (though, I must say, Crabbe isn't nearly this VULGAR). I make excuses and run off every time he confronts me, but I do worry about you, sir. Good luck on getting rid of him

* * *

Dear Miss Nightsky,

Yes well Albus D. is rather randy and barmy though I'm sure you've learned that. He is now saying he is gangsta. It's kind of creepy.

As for Crabbe I've slipped him a potion that should make him avoid you at all costs. I do hope it lasts for quite awhile.

Ah your mother sounds so familiar. She sounds like Blaise Zabini's mother.

Well I think Fudge may keep away from now on. At least I can hope. Good luck in classes and keeping away from class. Also I made the surges of electricity in Crabbe's collar so if the potion doesn't work the new volts of electricity should.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

We would like to inform you that over the past few days that you have been in our prayers for the reason of you needing a psychiatrist and a desperate need of a haircut and an extreme makeover! Guess what! We have the answer for you, all you need to do is submit yourself on the following form to participate in "The extreme makeover show" duh duh duh!

Yours sincerely,

The Hogwarts Extreme makeover team, Mickey and Mon, the proud supporters of Gryffindor!

Please fill out and return by next update:

(name) (surname)

(age) (height) (weight)

(problem)

(what type of magic (plastic) surgery will you be needing)

(possible time)

Thank you and please form again!

P.S. This show comes with a free psychiatrist!

* * *

Dear Gryffindor Huggers,

I will never be on your show. Did you not notice I have my own style. Or did you ever consider that I may like the way I am. You may just make my self esteem go down.

Sincerest Wishes of Your Untimely Doom,

Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus Snape,

I have loved you ever since I saw you. Your greasy hair and your yellow-toothed sneer made me quiver in pleasure. I want you, no, I need you! I don't understand why people call you a snarky git, because personally, I find myself attracted to your sarcastic wit. I find your insults amusing, and the way you stalk in and out of rooms sexy.

Please, Professor Snape, send me a note telling me how much you care for me as well. My name, if you cannot recall (though knowing you and your brilliance, surely you could not forget such a thing!), is Selina Swan, soon (I hope!) to be Selina Snape. Sigh Doesn't that sound absolutely perfect? I love you, my dearest Severus, and I wait the day you notice me with joy.

Always,

Mrs. Selina Snape (Oh, I hope!)

* * *

Dear Miss Swan,

A lot of the way you describe me is no longer true. However I appreciate your affections but I am already taken. Aren't you a fourth year Hufflepuff?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape:

I had a brief question on last week's Potion's lesson and thought it best to address you on it as no one else seems to know the answer. With veritaserum, you mentioned that there are various techniques that one can use to guide against it, but all that I could find while researching it in the library were a few vague references to an antidote that one could prepare beforehand. Since veritaserum works by targeting the same areas of the brain as legilimancy, in theory couldn't one just use occlumency against it, provided that one was proficient in that subject? I would appreciate any light you might be able to shed on this subject because although it isn't necessary to know for the class, this rather bothered me.

Also, I would like to take offence at the comment you made quite awhile ago stating that Ravenclaws were "boring". Although many of us are indeed that way, I would like to note that a great deal of us are not, hence the obsession with turnips that have so confused those of other houses. I would appreciate it if in the future you would make more clear what population of Ravenclaw you are speaking about. Although I am aware that you dislike many Gryffindors, I had thought that, as a teacher and Head of House, you might be able to rise above such statements.

Thank you for taking the time to read this,

Laura Syverin, Ravenclaw 6th year.

* * *

Dear Miss Syverin,

Your theory on occlumens and veritaserum is amazing. And I must admit you have it correct. That's how some death eaters were able to escape. Also I was able to with hold information from Voldemort that way.

I'm sorry about my generalization of Ravenclaws. They don't get enough credit. Some are bores but others are rather intriguing and interesting. I'm sorry you were disappointed with my comments but I'm sure you realize I tend to do things with out thinking sometimes. Honestly this therapy is truly good for me.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

A/N Finally this chapter is done! It took me 6 hours to get it right. I'm still not completely satisfied but I think it is decent and I don't want to keep you all waiting any more. I was going to post it for Valentine's but I got side tracked. At least it's out now! Please review!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	15. Batch 15

A/N I hate that I took so long with chapter 14 so I started this one early. My iPod inspired me to start with another chapter. Also thank you to everyone for the reviews and support on this story. Also my dear friend Dell is writing the companion piece to this story since I don't have the time to do it myself besides she is a wicked writer with an awesome imagination. Also she is the one who helps my Snape skills by rpg with me. Well now that I've babbled a lot I'll get on with the chapter now.

Warning I don't own Severus or any other character. But then again who knows about the future eh?

Batch 15

* * *

Dear Severus,

I've heard the oddest rumors about you and me. Honestly we've never shagged. Everyone knows I'm with Sirius. He needs to stop pretending to be with women. He knows he loves my werewolfiness. Sorry to disappoint you. How is Sylvia? I heard she cheated on you once again. I also hear you are rather interested in the new divination teacher Hatchan. Well good luck with that. By the way did you hear about the insanity of poor Lily? The poor dear.

Sincerely Sirius's,

Remus Lupin

* * *

Dear Remus,

I know you are with Black. I kept trying to tell everyone that I am not shagging you. Yes Sylvia decided that she was into short men like Flitwick. I swear she is never getting another chance from me. I do like Hatchan very much. She thinks that I am still with Sylvia though which could prove to be an issue. Anyway are we still on for coffee later with Poppy, Hagrid, and Pomona? Also I did hear about Lily, first hand. James was nice enough to tell me. It's so interesting to be on good terms with the Marauders with the exception of Pettigrew and Black. Well I will speak with you later.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Found something horrible in lower dungeon. Looks like a dead Cornelius Fudge. A walking dead Cornelius Fudge. And he's wearing some kind of glittery looking...underthing. Says he was waiting for YOU. Please advise.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Hmmm…you say you found a zombie like Fudge? Well I must say you should kill it! Don't you know how horrid that thing is! And I think the undergarment you speak of is the thong he had his house elf steal from me. It's so pathetic really.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Severus

I am sorry. I did not know that you were already dating someone else. I am sorry if my attentions were awkward. I understand that we only went out for supper as friends. I am sorry for any trouble I may have caused you, or any heart break I may have caused your lovely Sylvia.

- Hayatto Miamyoto

* * *

Dear Hatchan,

It is not like that at all. I've left Sylvia for good. She has hurt me one too many times. I do like you quite a bit. But I need for it to go slow. Sylvia was careless with my heart. And despite what most people think I do have heart and it is rather fragile. I do hope this didn't cause you any pain. I enclosed a bunch of your favorite roses and some homemade chocolates. I do hope you like the gift. I had a wonderful time with you on Valentine's day!

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

The dead/living Cornelius Fudge thing left bits of decayed flesh ground into my 450 year old Persian rug. Cannot remove. Seems I have developed strange allergy to Fudge's flesh bits. Nose has swollen to size of Dobby's head and can't stop sneezing. And it's redder than a Weasley's head. Please advise.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I enclosed an allergy potion to help with your newly acquired allergy. Also I enclosed a cream to take the redness away from your nose. That should help with that issue. However I can't help with the rug. Maybe you should send it to Filch he is used to dealing with zombie flesh. I just know he'd be able to get it out.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Quidditch tryouts were brilliant! I've never flown on a Firebolt before, and the tryout was quite astounding for me! I still can't believe I managed to block that catch by Flint! And those damned bludgers! It was so strange to be playing for an actual cause, and not just in the backyard with the neighborhood children! I cannot WAIT to see if I made the team, or what position I may be playing! By the time I finally got off of the broom, my pink hair was swept back like a troll doll's!

Um...I saw Albus Dumbledore today in the hall, and he kept walking after me and demanding for me to "give me some of your tots!"...has the man finally lost his mind? Or should I even ask that question? Does the governor's board know what he's been up to lately? Bloody insane, he is...

My mother sent you a letter, but it came to me; our owl always does for some reason. It likes me, I suppose. Anyways, I shall include it here:

"Dear Severus,

It has come to my attention that you have been corresponding with my daughter, young Jasmine Eames, seventh year Ravenclaw...though now Slytherin, student. I must say, I am utterly delighted that she's taken such an interest in you and your (our) House. I was quite worried when she was sorted into Ravenclaw, though really it was a close second choice as it was. It really is lovely to hear that you're doing well. Although this news about...peircings and...er...rock concerts is rather disconcerting. Apparently you've changed a bit since school? Ah, well, no matter. It could be worse, and you could be acting as I hear Dumbledore is. The man's mad, Severus. Do your best to keep the students away from him. Do watch over my Jasmine, will you? I know she thinks I'm a bit unbearable sometimes (My worst fear has come true--I fear I've turned into my mother. And we all know what SHE was like...) but I only want her to be safe. And I don't want her to end up in my...er...situation while she is still in school, if you catch what I mean.

Sincerely,

Virginia Eames."

Please, I BEG OF YOU not to tell anyone my name is Jasmine. It's the worst name in the world, in my opinion, and I'd rather be known by my nickname if it's all the same. Jinx is much cooler, anyways. It goes with the hair.

Tell Flair Verona I send my regards, and comments about her wicked facial

peircings.

Until next time!

Jinx

PS: Ah...yes, I have a detention tomorrow night. I punched out Theo and

McGonagall saw. What? I said if he tried to hold my hand I'd do it...

* * *

Dear Jinx,

I've got fantastic news. You made the quidditch team! You are now a chaser. You, Nott, and Zabini are the chasers chosen. I saw your tryout and thought you were brilliant. Flair said she thought you were a great flyer, better than she had been when she was on the team. She was a beater for her last 2 years at Hogwarts.

Yes well Albus D. watched Napoleon Dynamite and has grown quite obsessed. Earlier he was trying to use Rex-Kwondo on the Whomping Willow. Yes he is quite mad. Did you notice the 'Vote for Pedro' t-shirt he is wearing? It's at least better than him being obsessed with Lord of the Rings again. For a month solid he thought he was Gollum.

Well here is my response to your mother:

"Dear Virginia,

Jinx is a wonderful student. She fits into Slytherin quite well. It seems as if she is doing much better now. She also seems rather good at taking care of herself against her male classmates.

She also made the quidditch team which should please you immensely. She is quite good at being a chaser and I know she will get even better as she keeps playing.

Well yes I've changed quite a bit since school. I've come out of my shell finally. Many are saying it's a mid-life crisis but I'm not sure. As for the piercings…well that's just a personal preference.

As for Albus D. well he is quite barmy. But we let him run around mad. My niece Helen is working on a cure for his issue. I do hope she gets it done soon.

You can't be like your mother. Wasn't she that raving lunatic who thought she was Voldemort's wife? Anyway you seem much more sane and generally concerned for Jinx, even if you are rather annoying about it. Well I shall speak with you later. Maybe you, Jinx, and myself can have tea one day soon.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape."

I won't tell anyone your name is really Jasmine. It's a lovely name but I agree Jinx does suit you much more. Also maybe you should put some deep purple highlights in your hair wouldn't that look even more fetching?

Flair says "Thanks for the compliments Jinx! I do love your piercings as well. Also your hair is fantastic! I've only seen one other person pull of pink as well as you. Of course it wasn't Uncle Sev, pink just wasn't his color." Well she is quite the blabber mouth isn't she?

Theo's eye looks rather purple right now. I almost pity the boy. But he is still following you like a puppy. I think you may have a keeper there. Honestly look at Hermione and Draco. She punched him in their third year and he kept coming back. I guess it's just a Slytherin thing. Don't worry your detention won't be that bad. I know for a fact McGonagall thought it was hilarious.

Well I do hope to hear from you soon. Until then good bye!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Narcissa realized I took her Gringott's card and lost her mind. Seems she put some kind of growth charm into my nightcap, because I woke up with...breasts. And 'Girly Man' was engraved upon my left buttock. Please advise to removal of buttock mark. Having too much fun with breasts at present. Who needs Narcissa, anyway?

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Firstly, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! My, that is almost as good as when she accidentally removed your testicles. Firstly you playing with your own breasts is odd…especially since you are a man with breasts. Well I would help you the engraving on your arse but it's too true. Almost like, the tattoo haha. Anyway do tell Narcissa this was her most brilliant revenge yet.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Professor Snape,

I hate to be doing this, honestly. I find you sickening, and I'm sure the lot of my friends would agree. However, it seems you are the only person I could turn to in this situation, seeing as any other teacher would probably laugh, scowl at me . . . or give me detention for bringing up such inappropriate topics. You would, too, if you knew who I am, but since you're offering a "fanmail" service, I decided this letter could be sent in utmost anonymous confidentiality.

It appears someone in your house has a . . . fancy for me. Now, I know that this may not sound like that big of a deal, but L-my girlfriend would kill me if she found out. The person who fancies me is quite . . . clingy? For example, I got out of the hospital wing recently, and I caught sight of him following me. First, near the Great Hall then near the bathrooms. I saw him winking at me a few nights ago. I had been TRYING to eat, but I soon lost my appetite. (I'm not into males, of course. At least, I don't think I am.)

I'm worried that my girlfriend is going to catch on (she's rather clingy, too) and ditch me. It wasn't long ago that I got a letter from her about loving only her. Professor, I don't want to die . . . or be put in the hospital wing again.

Unfortunately, I'm actually beginning to enjoy the attentions of this certain Slytherin, and I'm beginning to fear for my sexuality. That's probably the worst thing about the situation. I'm very apprehensive about what could come of this issue. I hate to ask, but could you please offer a bit of advice?

Sincerely,

Apprehensive

P.S. - Is it a crime to GLANCE at someone who won't stop staring at you? My girlfriend seems to think it is . . .

* * *

Dear Gryffindor Red,

Yes I know who you are. You are not so good at being anonymous. However I do think I shall try to help you. I'm trying to right the wrongs I've made in the past, as you well know thanks to this ridiculous therapy, and so I will give you some advice. If you are starting to doubt your sexuality I suggest you experiment. I wouldn't cheat on your girlfriend, maybe take a break with her and find things out for yourself.

Also the Slytherin that is enamored with you is not a bad bloke. Also it isn't a crime to look or glance. Oh well your girlfriend is very possessive and clingy. Maybe you should try to talk it out.

Also your friends don't hate me. Well at least Miss Granger doesn't as she is often in my presence. Also I finally got over my issues with Potter that is until he dated my daughter. Then he wanted to stalk my daughter but luckily my niece took care of that.

I wish you luck and I hope you make your choice soon.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Big Meanie:

I will track you down. I will kill you. Fear my power of being able to transform into a griffin. I control the earth! Muahahaha!

Wishing you a painful death,

Emerald

* * *

Dear Dark Mistress Wannabe,

You don't scare me. Honestly a griffin is a sissy. Look at Harry Potter! You are possibly the worst villain ever.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape, Order of Merlin First Class and Potions Master

* * *

Dear Severus(though Sirius insisted on writing Snivellus, James quickly changes

it.)

Sirius would like to say:AHA! You might think Sylvia won't go out with me, now, but when she dies and sees me, she'll leave your greasy head for me! She doesn't even like you! Did you know that when I was alive and in the order of Phoenix, I was dating Sylvia? She's only going out with you to get over me! She's just on the rebound! And I'm not girly! At least I don't wear thongs from the ex minister of magic!

James would like to add: I know you aren't seeing Remus or Fudge, but Sirius and Lily seem to have a weird obsession with it. maybe they should get together! I know how Dumbledore can be. Did you know that when Lily and I died, he took half our money out of Gringotts and bought himself a Lemon Drop factory? The man is nuts.

And I'm not sure if Lily is doing well. I heard that she spends most of her time in hospital, running up and down the stairs, in her frog pajamas, screaming random things like, "MOUNT EVEREST", "ROTTEN DONKEY!". The healers aren't sure whether she'll ever get better. They-AH!

Lily appears and snatches pen out of his hands.

SNIVELLUS SNAPE! I HATE YOU! DIE SNAPE DIE!She turns insane PIG BRAINS TASTE BAD! CAPITAL OF FRANCE IS PARIS! I AM A HUMAN! SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH! EATING TOO MUCH MAKES YOU FAT!"

James snatches pen out of hands and then, Lily beats him with a stick. Healers rush over and take Lily to the top security ward in mental hospital, while they try to bring James out of his Coma...

Sylvia is Mine,

Sirius Black

Yours Sincerely,

James Potter

GOO-GOO GAGA! ME LIKES BUTTER,

Lily Evans Snape Potter

* * *

Dear James and Black,

Black: Honestly haven't you been up on the news? Sylvia and I are no more. She has turned out to be quite the trollop! I caught her groping Flitwick. I'm now dating the new divination professor. I say you can have Sylvia if you want. Also about my undergarments, well that is my business.

James: I do hope you are recovering alright. You know Lily and Sirius do seem made for each other. Honestly they are both cracked. As for Albus D. (for that is how is he is known now and won't answer to any other name) well he is absolutely mad. Yes I knew about the lemon drop factory. Remember how he fancied himself to be the next Willy Wonka? Well I shall speak with you later. Also I wish those healers luck with Lily…ah she is a difficult one.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

To Snape,

DIE!

From,

Harry Potter

* * *

Potter,

You are just angry you cannot date my daughter. By the way I hope you like the little hex I enclosed. That is for trying to slip my daughter a love potion.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

A/N Wow this is a pretty long chapter. I didn't want to make people wait too long for it. I hope everyone likes this chapter. I must say I'm most pleased with the Lucius correspondence. Please review and leave lots of letters!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	16. Batch 16

A/N I'm so very sorry this is so late. Honestly three weeks is way too long. But my job has been an absolute horror. I've been beyond busy I don't even think I've had time to sleep. And I'm sorry to Loony that I haven't gotten around to your challenge yet but I have some off days and I will do my best to get it out soon. Updates for this story won't be frequent or even consistent. I'm really sorry but I'm doing the best I can. I hope no one is angry with me. I hope you like this chapter! Thanks for sticking with me.

Warning I still don't own Sev, but I seemed to have manipulated the Potterverse enough to almost call this an original lol.

Letters to Snape: Batch 16

* * *

Dear Severus,

Nice to hear from you once again! And do tell your niece I say hello as well. Seems her beau got bored and stopped sending us strange and unusual pranks. I must admit it seems rather dull around here now. Rima was most disappointed to realize she couldn't keep for herself a flying frog. If you would be so kind as to let me know where I might purchase one for her, she'd be thrilled.

Enclosed for your niece is a picture of me from the movie Dogma. I'm just glad to see that she hasn't asked me for a picture of me in that hideously itchy makeup I had to wear for 'Galaxy Quest'. I DO have the costume from that movie still, if your niece would be interested in it, she is welcome to have it.

I gave The Bint the antidote to the tongue swelling solution. Not that I took pity on her, I just thought it would be difficult for her to cluck like a chicken with that enormous tongue of hers. Things may be dull at home, but it sure is quite lively on the set. I have been informed that the biting snuff box has now migrated south where it clings for dear life to her right buttock. Not that I want the imagery of her sagging buttock in my thoughts, how vile, but it's amusing to know why it is she can't sit down. DO thank your friend Lucius for me. If he ever retrieves his snuff box back in future, tell him he might want to sterlilize it before he touches it. Anyhow, The Bint's hair has turned a horrific shade of neon purple and it seems to be stuck that way. Can't say she's spoken much since she started clucking like a chicken at this morning's filming. She seems quite perturbed. I have it in strictest confidence (ok, so it's the wardrobe lady) that The Bint has also been receiving disturbing love letters from someone who calls himself AF. I should like to get ahold of one of these letters to see for myself.

Also enclosed is a picture of The Bint and the paramedics. I have enlarged my copy to poster size and hung it in my dressing room to add humor to my life.

And an autograph from Gary to your delightful niece. Though his eyesight has returned, he still whimpers in fear at bright lights and neon colors, poor chap.

As to any inventions, would you have, say, a potion of some sort that can cause explosive flatulence that can propell a person several feet? Just thought I'd ask.

If you should know of who the mysterious AF is, please let me know. We're dying with curiousity here!

Your friend,

Alan

* * *

Dear Alan,

Ah yes Flair says hello as well. Her fiancé and her seemed to be having some issues but thankfully they are resolved. And I will send a flying frog for your dear wife. Do give Rima my regards.

Also Flair loved the picture of you from Dogma. She was practically grinning manically…her fiancé didn't look happy so be on the look out. Also she'd love the costume from Galaxy Quest. She adores you in that movie.

Ha it seems that miserable old bat that calls her self a dame is the cause of much amusement! I'm quite glad to help. Lucius says you can keep the snuff box, he says he thinks it is doing it's job wonderfully. I do agree it is quite a horrendous thought about where it's at but I know it is quite unpleasant for her. Also I enclosed something new for the bint. The potion will make her turn into a man every time someone says the word 'magic'. I do hope you have fun with that one!

Also thank you so much for the picture oh it is amusing. I also enlarged mine to poster size. It's now hanging in my living quarters for everyone to see. Flair laughs hysterically every time she looks at it.

Flair sends her thanks to Gary for the wonderful picture. Oh and do tell him to be careful when he opens mail and such. Flair's fiancé is really the jealous type. Also I sent a potion for Gary, when he drinks it he should be restored and no longer afraid of neon colors. Also you are more than welcome to include him on the torturing of the bint.

As for the potion you asked about. I'm still researching. Give me time and I'll have it worked out. Until then I hope you have fun with the one I already enclosed. Muahahahaha!

Oh yes AF is the caretaker of the school I work at. His name is Argus Filch. And let me tell you, quite the unattractive wanker. Also has a weird obsession with his cat Mrs. Norris. Oh well. I enclosed a photo of said wanker. Be sure to make fun of the bint for me! Until next time!

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

I would like to apologize for the behavior of my..."friends"-

I resent that! Who gave you that git Ron's number!

(Sorry about that. That was Lia she's a bit, well weird actually, but if I tell her that she will take it as a compliment and then ask me to define normal. She has a point, but it means I can't shut her up) ANYWAY I think they might have sent you a letter to try to get you to...participate in their "extreme makeover show"-

I still resent that! More like extreme losers show! They need a life! On second thought I need a life, runs around franticly where did I put my life? That's right near the sugar and caffeine! giggles

(Comes up behind Lia and thumps her on the head with sugar.)If that happened I apologize because they are currently in a mental hospital-

Those jumpers make my arms hurt! grabs sugar bag and starts eating thanks

Ally...

They seem to think that it is their role in life to I quote, "Rid the world of..." well you don't really want to know what they said or what they really do to the misfortunate people who they decide "need" their help. Unfortunately they are also under the delusion that Gryffindor is the best house in the school.

Sincerest apologies,

Ally Peterson

* * *

Dear Miss Peterson,

Well it seems as if you friends are indeed crazy. There is no need for you to apologize. Honestly sugar highs are quite fun. Recently I became addicted to the muggle candy pixie sticks. They are wonderful little tubes of flavored sugar. Quite delicious. I will definitely warn people of your friends little show….hides in corner. My niece finds it kind of funny. I however am scared that they are after me. I'm sure you understand my point. Also they are definitely mislead on the best house. Everyone glorifies those Gryffindors but we all know that the Slytherins are indeed the cool house. Well I'm sure I'll indeed hear from you again so until then goodbye.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Darling Sevie-poo,

I may not be the minister for magic, any longer. But that does not deny your love for me... I know you love me with all your life. The aurors and healers did not come to me to put me into Azkaban. They asked me to be the Head of Stinky Heads Department. Isn't it great? My monthly pay is a large pile of recycled paper! It's the best money I've ever gotten! Now, I can take you out to better places.

You might have wondered why I haven't written to you in a while. I did it to play hard to get. There's no need to deny that it worked because I know it worked. You tried making me jealous by dating that good for nothing divination teacher! I must admit that it worked but I know you love me, so I have no worries.

I will never be with Winky because I am with you. I will never betray your trust. To make up for my lack of letters, I have sent you a frilly pink bra. I'm sure you like it.

Anyway, how about we go on a date tonight? Maybe to Madam Puddifoot's? I will see you there at seven pm.

I love you,

Cornelius Fudge...

* * *

Insane Sadist!

OH I AM QUITE TIRED OF THESE MANIFESTATIONS OF MY LOVE FOR YOU! I DON'T LOVE YOU AT ALL. I AM WITH HATCHAN AND THERE IS NO STOPPING IT. GAH! GO FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE. AND I SENT BACK THAT GHASTLY BRA!

SINCEREST WISHES FOR YOUR DEATH,

S.S.

* * *

Dear Professor Severus Snape,

I am a student that although I like Potions, I am not very good at cutting things and measuring... But I hope you and that new Divination teacher get along... I think Blaise and Ron will make a good couple. By the way, I'm in Gryffindor, but I do believe that you are just trying to get everyone ready for the outside Wizarding world, so I would like to thank you. I am also a fourth year, although I just turned fifteen... sorry if I misspelled anything.

Your student,

Sammie Morwe

* * *

Dear Miss Morwe,

You know, if I were answering this at the beginning of my therapy I would have said you were a suck up. But now I see the genuineness of your words. I do know who you are. I notice you have some problems. You remind me of Longbottom. He is much better at potions now oddly after I had a talk with him. I will definitely suggest you ask him for some help. Also thank you for the well wishes for me and Hatchan, we are doing quite well. Thank you for your compliments.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. Is it just me or did I sound way too nice?

* * *

Snivellus,

What are you talking about? I didn't even know that you have a daughter. Plus who would even do it with you? I am going to kill you for two-timing Moony. I mean he is going out with Sirius. Oh yes, did you hear about Mad-eye dressing up in a tutu and dancing to give Voldy a heart attack?

Harry Potter

* * *

Dear Potter Imposter,

Honestly, you are not the real Harry Potter. He read this letter and laughed hysterically. In fact he is going to finish this letter:

Hey what are you doing pretending to be me? I bet you are really Seamus or something. Although that bit about Mad-eye in a tutu is quite funny. But maybe you should ya know, not write as me. I'd hate to have to hurt you.

Sincerely,

The Real Harry Potter

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Thank you once again for your help with Crabbe. I think the potion must have worked because I haven't seen him getting electrocuted yet (much to Daru-chan's disappointment). I don't think he will bother me for a while; he seems to be busy bothering Blaise and Goyle at the moment.

Blaise scares me as well, but he doesn't bother me anymore, thank goodness. And my mother's not really like his mother that much, but there are some traits that they share...

I haven't seen Mr. Fudge lately (though I have overheard Draco telling Hermione that he has been giving Draco's father a good deal of trouble), but I can't say the same about Professor Dumbledore. As you know, instead of working in his office like I would expect a Headmaster to do, he has been randomly bursting into classrooms and running up and down hallways yelling random phrases such as "I'm training to be a caged fighter!", "I'm Rick James, BITCH!", and "NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!" I must admit, it's kind of funny seeing him act like this, but really disturbing.

Anyway, good luck putting up with Mr. Fudge, Professor Dumbledore,

and...well...about everyone else.

Sincerely,

Helena Nightsky

* * *

Dear Miss Nightsky,

Well I'm glad that Crabbe is no longer bothering you. He isn't the brightest crayon in the box. But yes…Crabbe, Goyle, and Blaise have been having this miniature prank war between the idiots. Well Blaise isn't an idiot…just involved in an idiot's war.

As for Albus D. Well he seems to have an affinity for muggle films. Apparently he loves Napoleon Dynamite, the Dave Chapelle Show (whoever that is), and Monty Python. Honestly at least he does have decent taste. That Napoleon Dynamite is hilarious. At least Albus D. isn't running around naked anymore.

Thanks for wishing me luck with that insane Fudge…I'll need it. In fact I need luck in general now don't I?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Sir,

I was hoping to talk to you directly once that tongue inflammation went down, yet it now seems that I have developed a...speech impediment of some sort. So, once again I must resort to writing which is entirely a waste of My Time.

I do not know who you think you are, but I DEMAND that you cease and desist at once! I KNOW you and Alan are Up To Something. I shall not be thwarted!

Alas, since I am so much more intelligent than the both of you, I have come to The Conclusion that to stop this rubbish, I must get you on My Side. You are sadly mistaken if you imagine Alan is far more brilliant than I...Dame Maggie Smith...as an Actor. As such, I have enclosed a box of my films in their entirety to sway you to my cause.

You can either side with me, or you can suffer my wrath.

DAME MAGGIE SMITH

PS: If you know of the Pervert calling himself AF that has been writing lurid letters to me; please inform him that I am NOT pleased with the photographs of his naked groin. I know this must have something to do with you.

* * *

Dear Hideous Bint,

Honestly woman you are way too full for yourself. No one is out to get you. Amusement is our main worry. I feel that I should help terrorize you and there is nothing you can do about it. So…get over it.

Also about those letters yes I know who they are from and he sends his deepest love for you. He asked me to enclose the following picture of him and his darling cat. Enjoy…insert evil laughter here.

Sincerely,

S.S.

* * *

Professor,

Thanks again for the salve. How is it everyone knows about my attraction to Weasley? Who's been talking? And by any chance do you know what kind of candy he fancies? I had some chocolates sent to him and he threw them off the Astronomy Tower. I guess he doesn't care for chocolates much.

Blaise

PS: Did you know Filch confiscated Creevey's camera?

PSS: Crabbe might be needing some of that salve.

PSSS: I'M the Slytherin Sex God. I have it stitched into all my underwear...'BZ...Slytherin Sex God'. So HA! Top that!

* * *

Zabini,

It was no problem with the salve. I will definitely keep some on hand. Also everyone has been talking about your attraction to Weasley. Honestly who wouldn't notice? I believe you may be able to win him over with a nice package of toffee or every flavor beans.

About Creevey's camera, that explains those horrible pictures of Filch being sent to my correspondent's co-star for a muggle film. Odd really. My eyes burn from the horror of those pictures.

I am the Slytherin Sex God, you can try to imitate me. But I will always be sexier than you.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

profesur

blase and goyle beeted me up with broom. i tolded them i tell you and get thim in trubble. got yur lettur. but cant reed it. i rote POO on blases homewurk to. wate til he sees!

sinseerly

crabbe

* * *

Crabbe,

You imbecile you need to learn to spell for crying out loud, I had to have a first year help translate that rubbish. I don't know why I write back when you can't even read…I should have Draco read the letters to you. Anyway you need to get over this stupid feud between you and Goyle. You both are starting to get on my nerves.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Profess Sir,

I gived Weasley chocluts before I get your letter. Oops. Its ok thouh because he throwed them off Tower. Before I gave them to him thouh Mr Filch stoppeded me and I think he ated some of them. Mr Filch scares me. I saw him in broom closet with Creeveys camera and he wored no pants. Tryed to poke out my eyes with my wand aftur.

Blaise helped me beet up Crabbe. Blaise stuck my broom up Crabbe's butt. I need a new broom now. I not in trouble for the chocluts, am I?

Sin Seer Lee,

Gregory G

* * *

Dear Goyle,

Don't worry about the chocolates. At least they have been disposed of. Also, you have given me way too much information. About Filch, well I suggest you go to Madame Pomfrey about a dreamless sleep potion so you don't have nightmares about the horror you had witnessed. Also you may want to see if Blaise will cast a memory charm on you so you don't even remember the horrifying bits of Filch. As for a new broom…I'm sure your father would be more than happy to get you a new one considering the circumstances.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Mr. Snape

I am sad to day that your cousin died a month ago. She died giving birth to her son. Her husband died 2 weeks ago and he wanted you to take care of their son. If you do not want to take care of him we will put him up for adoption.

Cody-Laine Clawges

P.S. I am a girl

* * *

Ms. Clawges,

I don't feel I'm fit to be a parent. But I will take the boy. He must stay with family and my niece and her fiancé are going to help as well as some other of our family. He will be well taken care of. I will await his arrival. What is his name?

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

P.s. Sorry I mistook you for a man.

* * *

Yo Sev!

No I am not a hippie! I'm a gangsta yo! Does Albus D sound like a pussy ass hippie name to yall? Although I am considering getting some sweet dreds. Anyway can't talk for long I gotta go talk to my babes on the internet. And don't worry dude, there's like a whole sweet reason I'm making you do this therapy crap to open up. It's alright man I don't judge you man. I know you're gay. Just accept yourself yo. And look on the like brighter side. You have three soul mates. Lucky! And don't insult me man! Calling people insane ain't like a very nice thing to do man! Oh by the way have you seen my new time machine? It's well cool! And about the Slippery Nipple thing I uh was buying some sexy undergarments for my lush babe yo. Boo yah! And if you ever try and take my lemon drops Ill whoop yo ass son! You know I can! I leaned some sweet moves down at Rex kwon Do yo! Dang! Listen could you spread the word? I'm holding a raffle sometime soon, with some sweet key chains and tots as the wicked cool prizes yo. Anyway I gotta go, my mail order llamas just arrived and I think there's a wolverine at my window I've named him Pedro, stop by and say yo some time , yah? I got your back son!

Peace out,

Your randy old coot aka Albus D yo!

P.s. Have you seen my chap stick anywhere? I think I lost it.

* * *

Albus D.,

You have officially frightened me. Honestly you need to get off this Napoleon Dynamite kick. I mean yeah Napoleon is cool but you aren't as cool. Though you do pull of Kip rather well. I will take those lemon drops you old coot. I'll be watching you. Also I'm not gay! For the last time I'm seeing a wonderful woman by the name of Hatchan! Also you are dating McGonagall so I don't want to know about any undergarments you buy for that old bint. Keep that to yourself old man. I will speak with you later. Goodbye.

Sincerely,

Severus

P.s. Uncle Rico is cool.

* * *

Dear Severus,

Tried to kill dead Fudge-like Thing and got bitten on left thigh. Have developed infection. He is still lurking in my dungeons somewhere. Please advise to infection and trapping dead Fudge Thing.

Your friend

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Well, I'm afraid you may turn into a zombie. At least that's what those muggle horror movies claim. I've enclosed a healing potion that should help with the infection though. As for Fudge just trick him into one of the torture chambers in your dungeon and keep him locked up. That would be most helpful.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Snape,

I apologize for the behavior of Emerald. I fear she is mad. However, having read your letters, I decided to enclose a poking hex in this one. You will now continuously feel yourself being poked!

Ruby

* * *

Dear Ruby,

Well…I would except the apology but I'm being thoroughly poked, much to my chagrin. I enclosed a hex developed by my dear friend Helen. You are now a potterpuff. I hope you have fun with that. Hahaha.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Narcissa is in a snit. She's jealous. My breasts are bigger and prettier than hers. Am presently hiding in servants' quarters until she can calm down. Please advise on how to deal with breast envy.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I did tell you to get rid of the breasts. Honestly wouldn't you rather play with your wife! I wouldn't blame her if she hexed you half way around the world and back.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Professor Snape,

Anyone who was in the Great Hall when I read the most recent letter you sent me would be able to tell you how happy I was that I made the Quidditch team. Yes, that was me dancing atop Slytherin table and waving a broomstick around. And yes, that was Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy that joined in on the fun. All right...so maybe Granger isn't so bad...

Yes, I saw the "Vote for Pedro" shirt that Professor Dumbledore had on. It prompted me to immediately throw my own into the fireplace in the common room. Disturbing, that. Did you hear that he started a llama farm here at the school? Every evening I see him walking out to the grounds with a steak to feed to his favorite llama, "Tina". Mental, that is! Wait...that was HIM that was stalking around the school in the cloak, making those weird wheezing "gollum!" sounds? Eww...

My mother would also like to send a response. You asked for it, actually replying to her. Now she'll never shut up:

"Dear Professor Snape,

Taking care of herself against male classmates? My goodness...what does that mean? She hasn't been fighting, has she? I do NOT condone fighting in my household (whether she is home or not!), which she very well knows! She'd better hope, for her own sake, that her fists stay at her sides! And she's on the QUIDDITCH team? You mean she'll be flying around on broomsticks playing those sports...with BOYS? I have to have a talk with that girl...

Er...well, technically, yes my mother was under the assumption that she was the Dark Lord's wife. I...really couldn't say why. I don't see why she would have 'wanted' to be either...I'd just rather not think about that, if it's all the same to you.

And please Severus...do not refer to my daughter as 'Jinx'. As far as I know, I gave birth to a girl named Jasmine. I know no Jinx.

Though I must admit, tea sounds like a splendid idea. We'll have to set a date for it.

Sincerely,

Virginia Eames.

PS: Severus...I feel idiotic asking about this...but what have you heard about Rabastan, lately? My daughter is being very vague about any details she might have heard about him..."

Er...yes, Professor...you've got a lot on your hands, now. I just haven't really wanted to talk to my mother about my father, and haven't been completely honest with her. Honestly...she claims to hate the man, but her eyes say otherwise. It's sad, really.

You know, instead of deep purple highlights, I was thinking of just putting some soft black streaks into the pink instead. What do you think? And tell Flair I said "No, I don't think pink suits your uncle very well either. No offense meant to him, of course. Love your hair as well! Toodles!"

You're right, McGonagall did think it was hilarious. Despite her attempt to stay unbiased during the detention, whenever I would look over to her I swear I saw her smiling...anyways, I'm trying to avoid Theo for now. My mother keeps sending me letters, threatening me if I don't stay away from boys. I have enough on my hands right now without having to worry about her.

Until next time!

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx,

Well I'm happy you're so pleased to be on the team. Yes I did see that display in the great hall with the dancing and such. Almost scary when Draco and Miss Granger joined in. But did you see Potter cry? He was positively upset that you made the team. He is afraid that now we'll be more of a threat to the Gryffindor team.

As for Albus D. Well he has definitely lost his marbles. I do worry about that old coot. But it could be worse. Not sure at the moment how, but I know it could be. A couple of years ago he thought he was Dr. Evil from the Austin Powers movies. But yes this is an all time weirdness for Albus D. He is also a "gangsta" now. It's frightening but a lot of the students find it amusing. My niece absolutely loves it. She says no matter how bad a day is all she has to do is hang out with Albus D. and she is laughing hysterically. So I guess that is good.

Here is my response to your mum:

Dear Virginia,

No she isn't fighting. She is simply not dealing with boys. I'm quite proud of her actually. But Theo Nott does have quite the crush on her. And no matter how she is to him, he falls more deeply for her. It's quite cute actually. Don't tell anyone I said that.

Yes she is on the Quidditch team. She is a fantastic flyer. She is very talented and you should be quite proud of her. She has only played in one game. But I've heard that they are already scouting her to play professionally when she graduates Hogwarts.

Well, about Rabastan. I know Jinx, no matter what you say she will always be Jinx to me, didn't want to upset you. But I feel you should know that Rabastan is dead. He apparently had an affair with Bellatrix behind Rodolphus's back. So Rodolphus killed him. But now all three evil Lestranges are dead thanks to the end of Voldemort. I'm sorry to have to tell you such things.

Also how about tea tomorrow afternoon at 4 pm. I think it would be a delight catching up. I will speak to you then. Owl me later about the tea!

Sincerely,

Severus

I decided to inform your mother on what happened to Rabastan she would have found out someday. I feel she needed to know. I hope you are ok with that.

I think the black highlights will look smashing on you. Flair says "Thanks for the compliments. I think the black will be wonderful as well as the purple. I recently put deep red streaks in my hair. I wanted green and sometimes I wear the green ones. I got wizard's dye. I can change the color of the streaks by using a certain incantation. You can find it almost anywhere. You should check it out. Byes!"

Well McGonagall did think the thing with Theo was funny. But you must know. Theo is even deeper in love with you. Have you noticed how much the boy has changed? Well I do hope you don't hurt him too bad. I wish you a lot of luck.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Was reading copy of Witches Weekly while hiding in servants' quarters and came across horrifying article regarding breasts. I didn't know they SAGGED the older one got. Article suggested a good brassiere to help maintain breast perkiness. Article also mentions a free brassiere fitting at Madame Malkins at 3 pm today. Please send me portkey so I can escape and be in Diagon Alley at 3 pm.

Your friend,

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

I enclosed the portkey you asked for. I do wish you luck. But you do know that being seen in Diagon Alley with breasts will tarnish the Malfoy reputation! Oh dear you will be the laughing stock of the wizarding world if you aren't already. Merlin help you Lucius, Narcissa will avada you.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

Dear Severus,

Sirius would like to add," I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DON'T LIKE SYLVIA! I ONLY SAID I'D DATE HER TO ANNOY YOU! THAT'S IT! I'M GONNA HIT ON THE NEW DIVINATION PROFESSOR AND SYLVIA! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT, HUH? YOU'RE GOING TO BE SICK AS A PIG!HE HE HE...

James would like to add," Yes, I'm doing alright, though my head aches a lot. It looks like Lily won't ever get better. I wish you luck with the new divination professor. Don't mind what Sirius says. He has a weird obsession of hitting on other people's girlfriends just to cover up the fact that he is with Remus. Lily is crazier than ever that you aren't speaking to her. I heard that, yesterday, she ran around the hospital, naked, screaming," DIE SNAPE DIE!" This morning, she was snogging a pig and calling him," Darling Sevvie."

Lily runs into the scene. James screams in terror and runs for his life. Lily chases after him and grabs him by his neck and starts pounding his face with her fist. James calls to Sirius for help but Sirius is to busy trying on Lily's underwear and looking in the mirror. James is in a coma, once again. Lily snatches the letter and the pen.

"SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU DATE THE DIVINATION TEACHER, SYLVIA, REMUS, FUDGE, DUMBLEDORE AND MY SON! I HATE YOU! YOU ARE THE FOULEST CREATURE ON THIS UNIVERSE! I WILL KILL YOU! turns back into mad mode DON'T TAKE DRUGS! DON'T DRINK ALCOHOL! DON'T EAT DINOSAURS! DON'T KISS FROGS!"

Sirius suddenly runs up to her and says," Lily, you seem right for me. Will you marry me?"

Lily attacks him. Sirius is unconscious. Dead aurors and healers run into the scene and drag a screaming and kicking Lily back to the mental hospital.

Yours Sincerely,

James

I love all the women you are dating,

Sirius Black

DIE DIE DIE!

Lily

* * *

Dear James and Black,

Black: Honestly you are so in denial. You've been dating Remus forever. I know you are simply waiting for Remus to die so you can have him back in your ghostly disgusting arms. Hmm, it would be romantic if it weren't so sickening. You will never have Hatchan, she is mine. Also why would you hit on crazy Lily? Maybe you should go to the mental ward too?

James: Well it seems as if Lily has really really lost her mind. Black seems to have lost it as well. Odd. Thank you for your well wishes for me and Hatchan. Things are going quite well. I hear that Amelia Bones is dead and available. She is quite pretty, maybe you can ask her out sometime eh? Well I will speak with you later. You might want those dead aurors and healers keep Lily under special watch. And maybe have them evaluate Sirius.

Sincerely,

S.S.

* * *

Dear Severus,

I never knew the world of brassiere buying was such a mad undertaking. Can't decide. What color brassiere says Malfoy Evil best? Black? Green? Black AND green? Black with silver lace edging? And Lace? Or velvet? Cotton is not evil enough. Spotted a leather one over by back door. Might be too much. There must be 1000 brassieres here and I have yet to decide and all the while I can feel my buoyant breasts sagging bit by miniscule bit. Already owled Narcissa thinking she'd give me advice. Received howler instead. Please advise on brassiere purchase.

Your friend

Lucius

* * *

Dear Lucius,

Personally I think you should go with a green silk one with the silver shimmer and black lace trim…not that I've ever seen that bra before. Anyway I can't say I blame Narcissa for sending you a howler. You are quite the odd man. I suggest you go home! Your lack of sanity is worrying me. But at least your more sane than Albus D. But that's not saying much.

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

To Snape,

What's all this about you being friends with my dad and my mum being insane? Are you REALLY friends with my dad? And I don't believe the fact that my mother dated you and that my mother is insane! You shouldn't go around making up stories about people! Wait a minute...maybe you're right...THAT'S probably why I received a howler from someone screaming that I shouldn't date you. I know it's not very manly but EW EW EW EW EW! Why would I EVER date you? And you're dating the new divination teacher? You're crazy! Divination teachers are freaks! They go all weird on you and predict your death! ANYWAY, I DID NOT slip your daughter a love potion! And I wouldn't date your daughter if you paid me! It's Ron who's interested in her, you fool! You're almost as clueless as Dumbledore! Oh yeah, and while we're on the subject, what is UP with Dumbledore! I walked in to my dormitory, yesterday, and he was there jumping up and down on my bed and snogging Seamus! Please keep him in control.

Yours Sincerely,

Harry Potter

P.s. The potion didn't hit me. It hit Ron because he's the one that's crazy about your daughter.

P.p.s. For the last time, I DO NOT LIKE YOUR DAUGHTER! SHEESH!

* * *

Dear Potter,

Firstly I know you used to date my daughter. Flair caught you both snogging more than once. But I'm over it now. I mean Flair did hex you multiple times. As for you mother and father. I'm friends with your father. He is actually a nice guy. It's good to come away from child hood rivalries. I fear your mother is insane. I was actually married to Lily briefly before she was married to James. Though, I'm sure that will scare you for life. Hahaha. Anyway I think Sirius is also insane. But that's just my opinion.

So you say Albus D. was jumping on your bed and snogging Finnegan. I have the most sincere sympathy for Finnegan. I will have to get McGonagall to try to control the mad old coot. I suggest you send Finnegan to Madame Pomfrey to get evaluated on his mental state after such a horrifying event.

Sincerely,

Professor Snape

* * *

Dearest Severus,

Lucius has lost his bloody mind! I caught him in my wardrobe trying on my under things! As if that wasn't bad enough, I heard him singing some awful Muggle tune about feeling pretty. All he's done, is sit in our room playing with those blasted breasts of his and frankly, I have had enough! Miffi our house elf also informs me that she saw him in the servants' quarters reading that utterly repulsive Witches Weekly. THEN I was told he had snuck off to Diagon Alley for A BRA FITTING! Do you realize what this will do to the Malfoy name? How embarrassing! Is there any chance you could make it down to Diagon Alley and obliviate everyone he comes in contact with? And then return Lucius home before he does anything else to embarrass himself? Bring him home whole or piece by piece, I don't care which.

Thank you,

Narcissa

* * *

Dear Narcissa,

Well you did give him the breasts so this is really all your own doing. I told him not to go to Diagon Alley because of the potential humiliation. I've sent some friends to find Lucius and bring him home. Also…I suggest you keep him in the house for awhile. I'm off to go obliviate some people…I do hope it isn't as bad as I think it is. Wish me luck Cissa!

Sincerely,

Severus

* * *

A/N I finally finished. I'm still so very sorry for taking so long. As you can tell it was a very long chapter lol. My life has been incredibly hectic lately and I apologize for not updating as regularly as I'd like to. I got so behind. I hope everyone likes this chapter!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	17. Final Batch

A/N I'm so sorry I've made everyone wait so very long for this chapter. I've been going through a lot of crap but it's really no excuse. I'm very sorry. Also I've had severe writer's block and I'm afraid this chapter isn't my best at all. Also this is the last chapter for the letters. The chapter after this one is going to tie up loose ends and end the story. I hate that this story is ending but I feel like it's ran it's course. I'm going to work on another chapter story. Though I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I will keep everyone posted who is interested in reading the next story. I really have appreciated all the wonderful letters and reviews. I hope people continue to read this story and enjoy it! It's been very fun and a good ride. This story has been my baby for 6 months and it's difficult letting go. Thank you all again, I hope you all keep reading my work and stay tuned for the final chapter of Letters To Snape which will include appearances from many of the ones who have faithfully written letters for this fic. The last chapter will include; Jinx, Helen, Dell, Hatchan, Dumbledore, McGonagall, Madame Pomfrey, Alan Rickman, Dame Maggie Smith, Lucius, Narcissa, and many others. Also the infamous Flair Verona niece of Severus will be in the story as well. Of course Flair will be there since I'm Flair lol. Now thank you so much and now on with the story!

Warning You know I don't own Sev!

* * *

Batch 17

* * *

Dear Severus 

So I here you're rather fond of pixie sticks too? I adore them, the best things to have for sugar highs. Hahahaha. Well are you fond of any other muggle candy? I'm sick of those people under the delusion that Gryffindor house is the best because we all know that Slytherin is the best, green and silver...such a great combination unlike red and gold...yuck. Well must be off now.

Sincerely,

Aly

P.S. I here that Cornelius Fudge is after you.. Do hope you curse him or something, that man has gone insane and rather freaky.

* * *

Dear Aly, 

Yes I fancy pixie sticks very much. I like many types of muggle candy, especially those chocolate covered cookie dough bites. Those are quite tasty. My it seems as if you are sucking up my dear. But you are correct in saying those kind words about Slytherin, they are the truth. And well I've tried many times to rid myself of Fudge's affection but it has yet to work, I'm sure you've been able to notice the fact he's even come back from the dead. It's quite scary actually.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear annoying and somewhat pompous Professor Snape, 

Muhahahahahahahaha...ha! Guess who! No offence but your insults suck! My sugar of the day is Pocky Sticks! nervous laughter I see colors!...

Dear Professor Snape,

If you haven't guessed that was Lia again...

I have a lovely bunch of coco...

Snatches pen back from Lia Sorry, she has a weird obsession with that song. I think It's from The Lion King muggle movie-. If she starts singing that again I swear, it's alright the first few times but after the 100th it starts to get…

pick up wand STUPEFY! Sorry Ally will be unavailable the next bit of the letter she is...busy. whispers The purple screaming monkeys are back!...

dances around room

(With effort) Trips Lia and snatches wand Sorry about that no idea where she got the wand from...thought I substituted them all for fake ones long ago...I had to, she's scary enough most of the time as it is. Can you imagine having to deal with a wand?...

Punches Ally in kidney and steals wand I found more sugar! giggles madly...and you do the hockey pokey and you turn ar...

Ally shoves bag of sugar into her hands then sits on floor shaking head This is what I had to live with 24/7! It comes from being her twin...hang on I just admitted that didn't I...damn, damn, damn!

Yay! She admitted were related!...closely.

sob

hugs ally anyway got to go ally is low on sugar!

battering head against ground

Sincerely,

Ally...(do I have to? YES!)and Lia Peterson

* * *

Dear Ally and Sugar Addict, 

Well I must admit that was a most entertaining letter. Lia seems…for lack of better words, special. It's odd how you two seem to be twins. Kind of like Sirius and Potter, those two shared the same brain and yet they weren't related. Life is just odd like that then. Of course I mean no offense to Potter seeing how he and I are friends these days. But you know old habits die hard right? Also you may want to take the sugar away from Lia…that could be why she is so scary…or on better thought just keep the wand away from her!

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape, 

Yes, I did indeed see Potter cry! Twas' one of the best moments of my life, if I don't say so myself! Slytherin team will be excellent this year, I am sure.

I apologize for my letter being so late. You see, I had to go home and tend to my mother for a couple of days. She did not take well to the news of my father's death very well at all. From what I have heard, she fainted as soon as she read it. She was in bed, 'sick', for a small while afterwards. I kind of feel sorry for her, which is strange for me...anyways, she won't be sending any letters to you anytime soon, though when she is better she expressed great interest in having tea with you. I understand you having to be honest with her about my father. Honesty is key, in my opinion.

Saw the headmaster in the hall this morning. I told him "Good morning, sir." And he responded with "Yo yo yo, good mornin' my homey-G slice 'o turkey! Vote for

Pedro. playa!" and then stalked away, rapping to his own theme music. Your neice may like him, but that man freaks me out.

Tell Flair for me that I said "Your red streaks look wicked, and do you know where I can get some of that magical dye? I'm going to put the black in my hair, but if there's a dye that can let me change the colors by magic, that would be even better!"

Yes. I have noticed how Theo has changed. However, he still freaks me out. Maybe if he would stop stalking me between classes, things would be a little easier.

Maybe I'll give him another chance...I dunno...I'll think about it.

Looking forward to hearing from you again!

Jinx

* * *

Dear Jinx, 

Yes I took pictures of Potter crying. I will most definitely be blowing them up into posters and giving them away to students who ask. Though it seems Draco has taken a majority of them.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother's poor health. I know that the news had to have shocked the poor woman. Please do give her my regards and tell her to owl me as soon as she is well.

Yes Albus D. is insane. But I've gotten used to the old man. He amuses Flair because she is such a fan of that muggle movie Napoleon Dynamite. It's very funny for her.

Flair says "Oh thanks for the compliments Jinx! I thought I'd support my boyfriend by putting in some red streaks, even though I support Slytherin all the way. That's what happens when you date a Gryffindor hehe. Yeah me and Fred broke up. He left me for Angelina Johnson! Can you believe it? I mean he and I were supposed to get married. But now I'm dating Seamus Finnegan. Anyway I think I'm going off topic. Anywho, you can get the magical hair dye at the Slippery Nipple in Diagon Alley you know it's like the muggle Hottopic store."

Yes well as far as I can tell Theo seems to be doing much better. Though he still likes you quite a bit. I hope it works out with the both of you.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

My dear Professor Snape: 

So, Richard sent you a letter? That'd be just like him. The idea of him seeking you for help amuses me on a deep and meaningful level, Professor. I don't know WHY Megan insists on comparing him to you- you're quality people and Richard is a wet prat of the highest level. Every day, he's at me: "Get out of the cellars! Wear a COLOR once in a while!" I can't stand it; he may have been King once but he's a dull little nerd all the same. He thinks he's so important just because Sir Laurence-bleeding-Olivier played him in some B-picture in the 1950s. At least that made him out to be a villain (and therefore interesting). Ian McKellan did a remake about ten years ago, and guess who he dragged along? MAGGIE BLOODY SMITH, that's who! I'VE been portrayed by the REAL greats: Lon Chaney and Claude Rains! (Gerard Butler was a fluke.)

In the meantime, I'll stay in the basement and work on my magnum opi. Last week I managed to create an elixir that put Richard on the privy for a whole evening. (God, I hate that man.)

Honestly, Professor, just ignore Richard. He's a fool and is not to be listened to. I remain, Your obediant servant,

Erik (F. de l'O.)

* * *

Dear Erik, 

Well your letter was most intriguing. I suggest to just not listen to Richard. And tell him, when he says to wear color, that you will if it's his blood. Yes it's sadistic but it might get him to shut up. I'm sure you understand. And no I'm not telling you to spill his blood, well not all of it anyway.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Good Sir, 

I just want to ask, for my sanity's sake, if you would like to have me wash your hair in a regular basis. I have great respect for you, sir, and doing so would be an honor. Don't worry, there's no fee or whatsoever. Just think of it as a "make-over" from one of your... umm, friends...

And I do hope you consider my offer because I have connections... winkwink I assure you, a change in your looks will do you great!

With love and shampoo,

Thewhateverdude

* * *

Dear Numbskull, 

Honestly you are practically begging for a crucio. I can't even possibly count how many times I've had to tell people why my hair is the way it is. Not to mention the fact I've already had a make over. I will leave this letter at that. Good day.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape and Harry Potter, 

Yes I'm not the real Harry Potter. I know I didn't put Snivellus on my Letter for you. I can't put my real name down but Mr. Potter, HOW DARE YOU SAY I'M SEAMUS! I didn't snog Dumbledore. In fact I've never met Dumbledore. I met you about 15 or 14 years ago, Professor Snape. On another note, do you want the photo of mad-eye dancing? I have a few. Also sir I was wondering if you can make a potion that can help make people get off freckles because my little sister showed her magic and hit my other little sister. I have tried every thing. I make potion and other items to help my family out. Even if my dad has a lot of money.

Without wax,

Imposter Harry Potter

PS: Harry Potter I know who is RAB.

* * *

Dear Imposter, 

Hmmm yes please send me those pictures of Moody immediately! Those shall amuse all the world MUAHAHAHAHA! Ok so maybe not, but they will at least amuse me. Now I have enclosed the potion you need. I to know who RAB is…mister Regulus Albert Black. I never believed the kid was dead but you know how it goes I'm sure. Oh and Potter says "Hey I was just guessing, and though it turns out Seamus didn't snog Dumbledore either…in fact I only thought it was Seamus because I wasn't wearing my glasses. It turns out Dumbledore and Neville Longbottom were having the snog fest. Who knew?"

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Snape, 

I am Sirius Black's daughter, and I was just wondering why you hate him so much. My father said that he hates you because you're just a greasy git. I don't hate you, but I'm not very good at Potions. Could you suggest a tutor for me?

Best Wishes,

Sirius's daughter

P.S. My father would like to say that he hates your guts and would like to curse your guts out for 'manipulating' me into writing to you. I, in all actuality, prefer the Weasley twins, but do not hold that against me.

* * *

Dear Miss Black, 

Yes well I hate your father for the horrible things he did to me back at school. I'm sure if you ask Remus Lupin he will tell you much better than I will. As for a suggestion for a good tutor. Well I do know that Millicent Bulstrode is rather talented at potion making. Though I'm assuming you are a Gryffindor or Hufflepuff definitely not a Slytherin. So maybe it would be best for you to approach Colin Creevy. I know it's odd how good at potions he is. Also the Weasley twins are rather amusing, though I don't like Fred too much after he broke my niece's heart. However George is a fine bloke.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus, 

Sirius would like to add, "THE FAMOUS SIRIUS BLCK NEVER DENIES! HE SIMPLY FACES THE CONSEQUENCES! OK, OK! FINE! I'M DATING REMUS! BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T DATE OTHER PEOPLE, TOO! I WILL STEAL HATCHAN, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT, SNIVELLUS! LILY IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN AND IS VERY LIKE ME! SO DON'T YOU DARE INSULT

HER! I-I-"

James snatches pen out of his hands.

Sirius does a Lily and attacks James. Aurors and Healers run in, dragging a screaming, kicking and biting Sirius into the mental ward.

James is too injured to write...

Yours sincerely,

James Potter

I DATE 20 PEOPLE! IN YOUR FACE!

Sirius Black

Still hating you,

Lily Evans Snape Potter

* * *

Dear James, Black, Lilly, 

Wow it seems as if all the Marauders are insane, of course with the exception of you, James, and Remus. Interesting, very interesting. Black, you will never get Hatchan I'm sorry to inform you of that. James, I've enclosed some flowers to inspire you to get well. Also this includes a protection spell for you against Lilly and Black. I wish you luck!

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Professor Snape, 

I admire you for overcoming your...issues with Divination. I, myself, am just glad that the old batty professor, um, mysteriously disappeared. I, of course, had nothing to do with it. (By the way, sorry about that bat that's been bothering the Slytherins. I didn't know she would be so persistent. I am planning on luring her out, so don't worry. I'm going to send TBWL (really, wizards do come up with some of the most absurd names) by the corridor with Ron and have asked them to be making dire predictions of what will be happening to them during the next week. A last hoorah, so to speak. She always did seem to have some kind of attraction to him. Anyways, once she leaves the dungeons, I'll make sure to capture her. Maybe Buckbeak would like a snack.

Well, good luck with your new girl. People keep making predictions involving you and her during class, and her reaction is quite cute. I think many students are passing.

Respectfully,

Cassandra

P.S. The fact that the old bat kept harping on a certain shared ancestor of ours was quite embarrassing. She and Buckbeak would get along well, I think. Maybe I should indeed introduce them?

* * *

Dear Cassandra, 

Well I'm glad you did get rid of that miserable old fraud. The woman was insane. Also Buckbeak is way to good for that horrible woman. Hatchan and I are doing splendidly! She is a great woman and I do believe I'm madly in love with her. Though you musn't tell her for I plan on asking her to marry me at the year end feast tomorrow night when my band Morsmordre plays tomorrow…though that is if I can convince Lucius to give up his boobs.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Severus, 

I was quite shocked to find out that, according to your letters, it seems as though Sirius and I were dating at some point. Please tell me you are joking. Although we may have joked about such things in school, it was merely joking and (as far as I knew), both Sirius and I are and were straight. Hmm. I thought I knew my friends so well in school. I was wrong about Peter though, so perhaps I am wrong about Sirius.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but with one thing and another, I've been quite busy. Is it true that Dumbledore seems to have lost his mind? Pity, I had a great deal of respect for him at school. I guess people change as they get older.

I've been quite busy here in Estonia studying with a group that has a possible cure for Lycanthropy. Of course, it's only in the planning stages, but it looks promising. I am here because it seems that I am the only werewolf they could find with any sort of education. It's quite interesting, to say the least.

Next time you need to schedule your band's concerts on nights that are not full moons. I heard that it was quite good though, and am sorry to have missed it. Did you know that Sirius was a fan of yours during school? I think part of the reason he tormented you so much was because he wanted to ask for your autograph and was too embarrassed. Still no excuse, though. I've also heard that you've coloured your hair. I wish I could have seen the expressions on your students' faces when they saw that. Do you remember the time my friends and I coloured all of Slytherins' hair green? As I remember you were late to breakfast on that day and managed to escape.

Anyway, it seems I've missed quite a lot in my absence. Would it be possible for you and I to get together some time to chat, perhaps over lunch or tea?

Sincerely,

Remus Lupin

* * *

Dear Remus, 

It's good to hear from you my friend! Much has changed here at Hogwarts, though you seem well aware of that. Yes well Sirius still says that you and he are dating, but he also claims he is dating a grand total of 20 people. Quite barmy the dead man is. Though I'm quite aware of your heterosexuality. I mean your fling with Tonks was proof of that.

Yes well Dumbledore, or Albus D. as he likes to be called now is insane. He has been quite hooked on that muggle movie Napoleon Dynamite. He has been cured for the most part…ok so he is still a bit daft but he is back to running the school. At least he wears clothes these days.

I do wish you much luck on your quest for a cure. If you are in need of any assistance you know how to find me.

As for my band, we are performing tomorrow night at the end of year feast! I know it's not a full moon and I'm sure I'll see you there. Also, Black was a fan! How did I ever not know that? How interesting, maybe blackmail?

I would be most interested in meeting up for tea, perhaps this weekend? Then you can meet Hatchan! I will see you tomorrow night at the feast.

Sincerely,

Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Professor Severus Snape, 

You did sound nicer than you normally are, but not that much. I am not a suck-up, I'm too scared to get a detention. And thank you for the advice about talking with Neville, I'll try it. By the way, I saw poor Lavender Brown being chased by Professor Dumbledore, screaming something about that movie Napoleon Dynamite. I have never seen it, so I do not know a thing about it. Well, I'll send you another letter unless you say otherwise.

Your student,

Sammie Morwe

* * *

Dear Miss Morwe, 

I hope things went well with Neville. Yes I heard Miss Brown was sent to Madame Pomfrey for having a nervous break down thanks to Albus D. I'm sure you've heard this is the last of my therapy. Apparently I'm cured…though you may send me an owl or stop by my office if you ever have another question. Now I know I'm sounding to nice.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

Snape, 

I did not date your daughter or snog her! That was..er..um..Ron? AHA! YES! That was Ron! He took some polyjuice potion and formed into me!

I would send Seamus to get counseling but the problem is: he's in love with

Dumbledore! He keeps singing these revolting songs about being in love! His girlfriend caught him snogging Dumbledore and dumped him but he doesn't seem to care. You'll notice that in potions, Seamus is too busy day dreaming about Dumbledore. Please do me a favor and kill the freak!

Yours sincerely,

Harry Potter

P.S YOU WERE MARRIED TO MY MOTHER! AH! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE. JUST A STUPID NIGHTMARE. THIS ISN'T HAPPENING... MUST CALM DOWN...AH! This will disturb me for life! This is scarier than the visions i got from

Voldemort! AH!

P.P.S Sirius is not crazy! And why are you friends with my dad?

* * *

Dear Potter, 

Yes it was you that snogged my daughter and had the nerve to date her. Though she was smart enough to dump you.

As for Finnegan. Apparently it wasn't him that was snogging Dumbledore or in love with the old coot either. Clean your glasses better, it was Neville Longbottom! Crazy isn't it. I figure the girlfriend you speak of is Miss Weasley seeing how she is dating Dean Thomas now. Not that I keep with the gossip of the students.

Yes I was briefly married to your mother…then she went all crazy. I figured she was better with your father anyway.

And yes Black is crazy, he thinks he is dating 20 people…and he thinks he has the best hair in all the world! Oh and I'm friends with your dad because, well I've noticed your dad is pretty decent. You know how it goes I'm sure.

Sincerely,

Professor Severus Snape

* * *

FINALLY! The end of the chapter and consequentially the end of the story. Though there will be an epilogue done in a "Where are they now?" style that I'm working on. I would love input from everyone on what they'd like to see happen to some of the characters! Of course the last chapter will be written by Severus as well and that will conclude Letters to Snape. I'm going to just stick with writing one-shots for awhile so yes please keep reading my work! I love you all! Thanks so much for all your patience and participation! 

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


	18. Where are the now?

A/N This is the final chapter of Letters to Snape cries. I know it's so sad. But it was time to end it because of my own procrastination. I've been having problems getting excited with this story so I thought it was best to end it while I still had some people who still read it lol. Now without further ado, the end of Letters to Snape!

Warning, I still don't own Sev…though I should by now!

* * *

Where Are They Now?

* * *

I'm sure by now everyone is wondering just what has happened to everyone. I assure you no one ended up in a bad way…well unless you count the Giant Squid. You see we fed Cornelius Fudge to the squid. I feel so sorry for that poor creature. Anyway I believe I deviate from the topic at hand. I've been volunteered to tell everyone what happened to all the characters. I thought it would be best to do this in a list format. It is much easier for the organized mind.

Albus D.:

Well as some may know Helen, one of Sirius Black's daughters, and my niece, is an amazing inventor and scientist. She of course knew of Dumbledore's turn towards insanity. I mean the man was bloody barmy! Well he still is of course. Though now at least he wears his clothes. He still runs around chasing the students spouting lines from Napoleon Dynamite. It's quite laughable. Though what's even more laughable is that the trustees of Hogwarts have decided that he shall remain being the Head Master. Disturbing isn't it?

Sylvia Sinistra:

Everyone knows Sylvia cheated on me many times with Gilderoy Lockhart. Unfortunately Sylvia didn't keep an eye on her wand around the insane man. So he snagged her wand and hit her with a rather nasty charm. Apparently they are happily married and residing in Saint Mungo's together. Quite a fitting end for them am I right?

Madame Pomfrey:

Sadly Poppy never was able to kill off Albus D. So she decided to just stop trying. Her new goal is to kill off Harry Potter, she figures he'll be a challenge!

Jinx:

Jinx helped to lead the Slytherin quidditch team to house cup finals where Slytherin finally beat Gryffindor! I couldn't be more happy for that. She still seems to abuse Theo Nott but they've begun dating. I guess Nott is a masochist? Anyway she is doing well, and so is her mother, I met the two for tea recently.

Dell:

Dell is doing just fine. I think our relationship as father and daughter is coming along well. Though I'm still bitter that she dated Potter. She is happily working with Helen in Japan now that she has graduated Hogwarts. She is writing a book on all of Helen's experiments and that sort. I hear from her often!

Helen:

Helen as I've said has taken a job in Japan working as a scientist. We all had hopes that she'd join Weasley's Wizard Wheezes and develop her imaginative pranks but there was some not so good things going on with that deal thanks to George Weasley. Helen is now seriously seeing Percy Weasley and is quite happy.

Hatchan:

Hatchan is now my fiancé! I asked her to marry me at the end of the year dance. I asked her during mine and my band's performance. She gladly accepted. We haven't set a date as of yet but we are in no hurry. Though Flair seems to be pushing us to set the date already.

Draco:

Draco has managed to keep Miss Granger in the long run. Though they still fight often it's not near as bad as before. And from what my dear godson has told me, the make up sex is well worth it. Draco and Hermione are now planning their wedding as well much to Weasel's chagrin.

Hermione:

As I mentioned above, Hermione and Draco are getting married. She was made an honorary Slytherin before graduating Hogwarts. She has been doing very well. While Draco decided to manage his father's affairs, Hermione took a very high position in the Ministry of Magic. It's said she'll be the youngest Minister of Magic, or should I say Mistress?

Ron:

I can't say too much about Ron. He and I did seem to get along somewhat. At least more than I did with Potter. He managed to graduate and get a job. He is now a keeper for the Chuddley Cannons, but the cannons still have yet to manage to win any games. I guess Weasley is still the king, hehehe. No I did not just giggle.

Harry:

Potter of course is doing well. He is an auror of course. He bloody well got what he wanted. But apparently he turned gay, I wouldn't know why looks suspicious. Anyway he is now dating Blaise Zabini since Zabini gave up on Weasley. It's very disturbing…shudders.

Lucius and Narcissa:

Lucius finally was convinced to get rid of the boobs Narcissa had him grow. He's still very girly but he's come to terms with that. Narcissa started designing clothes and became even more influential. Narcissa and Lucius are now in marriage counseling.

Lilly, James, and Black:

Lilly and Black are still terrorizing James. Though I let James hide in my chambers occasionally. He really is a nice bloke. Lilly has tried to kill me numerous times while Sirius simply tried to argue that he has better hair and dates more people. Sirius still thinks he is dating Remus but it is not true at all. Poor disillusioned Black.

Remus:

Remus is doing just fine. He and Tonks are finally together. Sirius is of course jealous and haunts the couple often. I meet Remus for tea at least once every 2 weeks.

Crabbe and Goyle: 

Well they never got any smarter. Their prank war finally ended when Goyle accidentally knocked Crabbe into a coma. I don't really know what's happened to them since then.

Blaise Zabini:

As I've said Zabini gave up on Weasley. He is now dating Potter. He still seems a bit gender confused but happy. He works as a stripper at the Slippery Nipple store which is now also a bar. Interesting really.

Fred and George:

Fred and Flair have broken up for good. George decided that maybe he should kill his brother there for awhile. Luckily we stopped him. Fred and George have since reconciled. Angelina dumped Fred after she realized he still loved Flair. George is happily dating Susan Bones of all people.

Flair:

Flair still writes often and helps me teach potions. She is now seriously dating Seamus Finnegan. Apparently it's customary for a Slytherin to be with a Gryffindor. I guess old Albus D. was right about inter-house unity.

Alan Rickman:

Alan is still a brilliant actor and we still correspond. He and his wife Rima are doing just fine and love the little wizarding things I send them. Alan still terrorizes Dame Maggie Smith with Gary Oldman's help. I have a very large poster collection of the things they've done to Dame Maggie Smith.

Filch and Dame Maggie Smith:

Filch finally convinced Dame Maggie to go on a date with him. However he brought Mrs. Norris with him. Dame Maggie thought he was too creepy and had him arrested. However she dropped the charges and the two began a fine courtship. So Alan and Gary terrorized the both of them!

Fudge and Umbridge:

Well with the Ministry's help, well and the Giant Squid, we managed to finally kill off both Fudge and Umbridge. They did unfortunately turn into ghosts. But on the bright side they are together and have forgotten all about me!

Well it seems as if this is the end of the story. Not really the end of course but you know what I mean. Oh I do hope I didn't forget anyone. I just know I'm going to be busy between all the weddings and births that will come after them. Wish me luck. I may just go insane like Albus D. If I do please kill me. Thank you all. I conclude Letters To Snape.

* * *

The End

* * *

A/N I absolutely despise the ending but I had no idea how else to end it. So if you hate it I can't say I blame you. But please review and tell me what you'd like because I'd gladly change some things to make it better. So tell me what I've forgotten or what would make it better! Thanks for reading!

Sincerely,

Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


End file.
